Source: google.com
via Melinda on Pinterest

It took me until maybe five minutes ago to realize that I completely forgot about yesterday's Come October post. And now I've been running around all day and I'm totally exhausted, so I don't even know what to write.

Wednesday's post was pretty much a good enough update on how I'm feeling about my OB visits (reminder: HORRIBLE), and not much more has happened besides. So like I said, I'm at a loss.

Anyway, I'm 29 weeks as of yesterday, totally anticipating 30 because it just sounds so awesome, and then 31 because I get to say that we're in the single digits (week-wise)! I can't wait for Mark to get here. I'm anxious and stressed and just going totally, absolutely crazy with everything.

We've got so much for him and more coming and I know we're going to have everything we need. But I still feel unprepared...still, I don't know if I'll ever be completely ready. And I can't wait!

Oh, and he discovered my ribs yesterday. I think I'm dying. Owwww.

I'll have more to talk about either tomorrow or the next day. Tomorrow is my baby shower! Daniel has been excited (it's cute!) and I'm excited. I just don't know if I'll have time to post afterward because I'll be cleaning up, and I usually take a nap during the day which I won't get to do, so I don't doubt I'll pass out early. I feel old saying that.

I hope my camera's charged, ah! I need to go check that out.

I'm gonna be mushy for a minute, and you totally have to live with  it. (Aww, just kidding. You can overlook this if you really, really want to.)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank those of you who end up here on any given day, whether new to the blog or a regular visitor, and who leave behind kind words to encourage me in living this life. You are all so amazing! I don't know what I would do without you, or without this blog which has connected us.

The list of friends I have in real life has definitely dwindled, but it's thankfully starting to grow back up a little now that my "condition" has become a little more of a permanent thing. Do you know what I mean? I guess they needed it to settle in before they could accept it, I'm not really sure. And while I know that there are a few people who I will not be accepting back into my life, I'm thankful for a few of them. Even if just to talk to on Facebook.

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Heather on Pinterest

Not to mention the fact that everyone and their mother is pregnant all of a sudden. It's insane! There are quite a few girls who I already knew about, as their babies are due in the same month as Mark (and a few are the month before and after). But now a ton are expecting in the beginning of next year as well. I'm excited for all of them, but I'm with some of my other (non-pregnant) friends now: what the hell's in the water around here?

Anyway, you guys have helped me through a period in which I didn't even have that - acquaintances, I mean. People to connect to. A period in which I felt really alone. I made this blog in the hopes of getting my frustrations out when I had no one to really talk to, at least not every time I needed it, and luckily I found support along with it. I truly can't thank you enough.

This has been a hard time and I know there's a lot of difficulty left to face. I know Daniel and I are not always going to feel secure in what we've taken on and I know we're not going to have the best of everything for Mark. But I think we're really doing well for being, ya know, young parents. And I think we're going to be doing a bit better soon, considering Daniel has a ton of motivation for finding a better job now (and I do, too, once I'm done being pregnant and Mark's at least a few months old).

And even when things don't always work out perfectly, I just want him to feel loved. I know that if nothing else, there's going to be plenty of that. And I know that when things get tough, I can come here and rant about it and feel awesome knowing that I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed sometimes, and I can appreciate the joys of having a family even when they drive me crazy.

I know that having a baby three weeks before 21 wasn't my plan and it's not exactly something I would've asked for, but it's an amazing feeling. I'm glad that it's happening, because I don't know when I would've ever felt ready to move on from where I was before. My life definitely wasn't heading in the best direction, and I believe Mark saved me from getting too far off track.

I love that: we're the reason he has a life and he's the reason we're no longer wasting ours.

We'll always be here to save each other.



PS: I have a whole list of news to share about Daniel and about my OB. Good news and bad news and hopeful news! But I have to wait a few more days to say some of it, because we're trying not to jinx anything (and other reasons...which I'll explain more when I share). Anyway, I'll be able to rant and rave about it Monday or Tuesday, so expect that!

Oh, I'm going insane. I have a sort of friend (more an acquaintance) who insists on making shitty remarks constantly. About whatever she can think of, really. They're always involving things that she just doesn't need to bring up, especially considering these things shouldn't even be on her mind if she's really living life the way she pretends to be. Does that make sense?

And guess what the most popular topic is as of late? Pregnancy. Yup. It drives me fucking crazy.

The worst part is, when I told her I was seven weeks pregnant (or rather discussed it with her - I don't remember where she had heard it exactly), she was suddenly eight weeks, but insisted that she wasn't ready to tell anyone yet. She also boasted that, oh my god, she had actually planned her pregnancy, unlike all the other girls our age (she's actually a few years younger than me...sigh).

Now, though, she constantly posts about how she's so happy to be taking care of a boyfriend rather than a child, or about how great her life is because she's waiting - mystery baby unmentioned and comments always completely unprompted.

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she actually was pregnant and something went badly, but I just can't. And I'm really sorry if I'm wrong about that. But she's the type who has had multiple pregnancies (supposedly), though only when she's trying to save a relationship or something of the sort. She hasn't a single baby, and after being mentioned exactly once or twice, the news of said pregnancies is always aloud to fade out until it's forgotten. And then it's never spoken of again.

She's also the type who has always jumped on things and made them her obsession for like two months, but then she gets bored and moves on. And I can't help but think that having a baby is the same thing for her. And that maybe her boyfriend doesn't want a kid or something, and that just drives her crazy. You know?

Source: 1.bp.blogspot.com via Taylor on Pinterest

Maybe I'm being an ass even saying any of this, but seriously? Even if it is some sort of situation where her pregnancies aren't working out and she's bitter about it, she doesn't need to make those of us who are having babies feel shitty, does she? She doesn't have to constantly be throwing in our faces how "miserable" our lives are going to be now that we have to change dirty diapers and clothes, wipe away slobber, chase after children. It's just not necessary. If she really is so happy without a baby in her life, she should move on from it. She should not keep bringing it up.

Also, at least acknowledge the good points. Our babies are going to bring us cuddles, laughter, that wonderful baby smell. Incredible love greater than anything we've ever experienced before. Overwhelming joy.

I'm glad that she's having fun partying and moving into her new apartment and spending uninterrupted-by-crying time with her boyfriend. I'm glad to hear that she has time to intern on top of her two jobs and that she's finding purpose in a profession. I'm happy for her, really. But my baby boy is going to give me purpose, and while he wasn't planned and I did have to give up late nights and numerous friendships and probably the expectation of having a moment alone from now until he starts kindergarten, I just can't regret him.

And really, there's nothing wrong with that. We all have our lives and we're not all going to live them the same. Can't we just respect each others'?


PS: Please forgive me if this sounds completely insensitive. I'm just so damn bothered by her constant need to make my life seem meaningless just because she's living hers differently.

As of yesterday, there are exactly three months left until Mark is due. And today I'm 27 weeks - hello third trimester! I'm so excited I just can't stand it. I'm ready to get everything moving already, except of course things have slowed down considerably. I mean, the pregnancy really felt like it flew by up until 24 weeks, but since then I feel like it's been forever. I don't exactly know why.

I'm not extremely sad, though; I'm definitely enjoying having Mark in my tummy for the time being. I'm loving the kicks and the punches and the rolls, and I love getting responses whenever I push on my stomach. I love feeling little knees and elbows and fists through my skin whenever he stretches. I love knowing his sleep schedule so that I can almost predict the times that he's going to be moving for me. I just love knowing he's there.

At the beginning I said that this was the first and last time I would ever be pregnant, but I'm a total liar. I know I'm going to miss this, and I know that someday I'll put up with all of the aches and pains and morning sickness, and of course the incredible fears associated with pregnancy, just to feel this magic again.

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Source: loveology-photos.xanga.com via Melanie on Pinterest

Honestly? When I thought about how big ol' 2011 was going to start and end, this wasn't my ideal situation. I didn't expect to get pregnant two weeks into the year I'd be turning 21 - oh, I didn't - and I didn't plan on having a baby on the way out of it. But now that it's all come to be, I wouldn't trade any of it. I couldn't be happier, and really, I couldn't be any luckier.

I don't regret the timing, either. I mean, I panicked when I found out. I cried. I still have moments every once in a while where I think about the enormous responsibility that I'm going to have and it always leaves me feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I definitely wasn't ready - or at least I wasn't prepared.

But things happen and when they do, everything eventually falls into its place; life made me ready. I've changed a lot in such a short time and I know I still have a lot of adapting to do, but I always will, won't I? No matter the particular situation, things are going to continue changing. Forever. And I just really can't be afraid of that.

I may always wish that I had more before Mark came; in fact, I'm absolutely sure I will. But when it really comes down to it, we have (or at least are going to have) everything we need for him. He has his mommy and daddy, we have a place to live and, soon, a car. We already have a ton of diapers and a tub full of clothes just waiting for him - and more to come. We have a crib and a few toys. We have a family and numerous friends who just cannot wait to meet him. We all have so much love for him.

We're on the right track. And when it really comes down to it, life is good; it's as perfect as perfect can be when you have something this enormous thrust at you unexpectedly (or, come on, maybe even if it had been expected - this is a human life we're talking about. There's only so much you can plan).

I know it's going to be hard, oh do I know it, but I'm ready now.

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Updated: I actually took a picture today! Of my stomach, I mean. Actually I've taken a few, but I've never shared one here, so I thought I might for once.

27 weeks today. :)

Nothing terribly exciting, but I've been meaning to do so. 91 days until he's due!

It's Thursday, which means another week for baby and me.

Weird...via BabyCenter 

Today I'm spending time with a friend who is in town after moving out of state, so I won't really be around a computer. I just wanted to post something beforehand. I'm not sure if I'll be here tomorrow, either, as I'm staying at Boyfriend's apartment tonight (where I'll be moving very, very soon!) and they don't have internet.

Normally I'd take my laptop so that I can either pick something up from a neighboring business (shhh...) or walk to Starbucks, but we're going to another friend's high school graduation and I just need to carry as little with me as possible. (This makes me feel both old and young at the same time - to be able to say it feels like it's been so long since mine, and then to follow up with the fact that I'm going to be a mom and realize immediately afterward that it hasn't actually been so long after all.)

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well, and that you have great weekends! I'll post as soon as I get back.

You know what’s disappointing? Not being able to eat what you want. I can’t have dairy without puking for the rest of the day, and I don’t even have morning sickness anymore! And of course I’ve been craving cereal just because I can’t have real milk, and the taste doesn’t satisfy with any substitutions. It’s disappointing, to say the least.

Also, I hate pregnancy dreams. Why is it that all of a sudden I’m having some off-the-wall or terrifying dream on a nightly basis? Before this, odd dreams only cycled when I was terribly sick, but now I wake up constantly with my fears played out, new ones established, or with odd memories that I just never needed indexed. It’s odd.

Last night’s was more frustrating than anything: I dreamed I was walking across town with the twins (they weren’t mine – my dad’s girlfriend has twin boys and I for some reason conjured them up as infants) and was carrying a car seat in each hand. Of course there wasn’t a stroller, and I was constantly dropping things. My hands were too full to retrieve the things that were falling, and the children needed to be fed at the same time. Then one of the car seats broke so that I had to physically hold one boy in my arms and juggle the others’ seat at the same time. I woke up before I got to where I was going, still frustrated over the fact that everything had just fallen out of my bag.

I think a lot of my dreams come to be because of the fact that I’m so freaking nervous. Although I’m only halfway to holding this baby, the closer and more excited we get, the more scared I am inside. I hope I’m not a terrible mother. Daniel reassures me constantly, and I know that I have a general knowledge of what I’m supposed to do – I won’t be one of those mothers who has never held a child until their delivery – but I’ve never had one constantly in my presence, who is my complete responsibility. I feel completely unprepared. But I know I can do this. And I hope I can do it without making any huge mistakes.

Does other peoples’ behavior during your pregnancy confuse you? Half of the people I used to see on a regular basis are no longer in my life, and then a ton of people that I hadn’t spoken to in years all of a sudden want to talk to me on a daily basis. Not that I mind too much – it’s nice to have people who are excited with you when you’re expecting your life to change so drastically, and to know who your true friends are before you’re responsible for another life (and who you’re bringing into it).

But then there’s the touching; I swear, since I first got the news people have wanted to touch my stomach, as if the minute it happened there were magic in there. I mean…no, that’s not what I mean. Of course something that I have so much love for is going to feel like magic to me.

What I mean is: what were they expecting to feel at six weeks? I understand that we all get excited about babies, but I’m sorry, there are times that I just don’t want you rubbing all over my midsection. We’re not lovers. It wouldn’t be acceptable if I weren’t pregnant, so I don’t know why it should be now that I am – especially when the baby isn’t even moving. I have stand there all awkwardly while they try to feel for something that they aren’t even capable of feeling, because it’s too early or the baby’s sleeping or whatever. It’s weird. At least wait for me to say, “The baby’s kicking!” and invite you, I beg.

I can’t wait until we find out what we’re having. I can’t wait to call my baby a he or a she, to decide on a name that I can refer to it as, instead of just saying ‘the baby’ every ten seconds. I don’t want to call my child an ‘it’ so I avoid it as much as possible, but ‘the baby’ gets to me a mouthful if you have to say it three times in one sentence. Not to mention the fact that it sounds so…impersonal. Knowing will make it easier to connect with my child, too. I’ll finally be able to start collecting things for him/her that aren’t ‘gender neutral’ and to better picture what I’ve signed myself up for.

This little one kicks constantly now, especially when I’m trying to sleep. Sometimes they’re strong enough to be a little uncomfortable – not painful but to where it freaks me out a little. That’s mostly because I have some strange fears, though, like the fact that I don’t like people touching my spine because I picture it snapping, and so the kicking makes me feel like I’m being bruised and etc. from the inside. It’s just weird. And now you know that I’m weird. Okay.

I’m totally excited that I’ve established new followers and received comments in the last few days. If you’re one of them, you’re awesome, and it’s very likely I’ve followed you back – but if I didn’t please tell me, because I meant to.

And for those of you who are just visiting, comment and tell me that you were here as well, and whether or not you’re following. I’ll make sure to pay you a visit in return. I'm a huge blog nerd and I'd love to check yours out.