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It took me until maybe five minutes ago to realize that I completely forgot about yesterday's Come October post. And now I've been running around all day and I'm totally exhausted, so I don't even know what to write.

Wednesday's post was pretty much a good enough update on how I'm feeling about my OB visits (reminder: HORRIBLE), and not much more has happened besides. So like I said, I'm at a loss.

Anyway, I'm 29 weeks as of yesterday, totally anticipating 30 because it just sounds so awesome, and then 31 because I get to say that we're in the single digits (week-wise)! I can't wait for Mark to get here. I'm anxious and stressed and just going totally, absolutely crazy with everything.

We've got so much for him and more coming and I know we're going to have everything we need. But I still feel unprepared...still, I don't know if I'll ever be completely ready. And I can't wait!

Oh, and he discovered my ribs yesterday. I think I'm dying. Owwww.

I'll have more to talk about either tomorrow or the next day. Tomorrow is my baby shower! Daniel has been excited (it's cute!) and I'm excited. I just don't know if I'll have time to post afterward because I'll be cleaning up, and I usually take a nap during the day which I won't get to do, so I don't doubt I'll pass out early. I feel old saying that.

I hope my camera's charged, ah! I need to go check that out.

I'm gonna be mushy for a minute, and you totally have to live with  it. (Aww, just kidding. You can overlook this if you really, really want to.)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank those of you who end up here on any given day, whether new to the blog or a regular visitor, and who leave behind kind words to encourage me in living this life. You are all so amazing! I don't know what I would do without you, or without this blog which has connected us.

The list of friends I have in real life has definitely dwindled, but it's thankfully starting to grow back up a little now that my "condition" has become a little more of a permanent thing. Do you know what I mean? I guess they needed it to settle in before they could accept it, I'm not really sure. And while I know that there are a few people who I will not be accepting back into my life, I'm thankful for a few of them. Even if just to talk to on Facebook.

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Not to mention the fact that everyone and their mother is pregnant all of a sudden. It's insane! There are quite a few girls who I already knew about, as their babies are due in the same month as Mark (and a few are the month before and after). But now a ton are expecting in the beginning of next year as well. I'm excited for all of them, but I'm with some of my other (non-pregnant) friends now: what the hell's in the water around here?

Anyway, you guys have helped me through a period in which I didn't even have that - acquaintances, I mean. People to connect to. A period in which I felt really alone. I made this blog in the hopes of getting my frustrations out when I had no one to really talk to, at least not every time I needed it, and luckily I found support along with it. I truly can't thank you enough.

This has been a hard time and I know there's a lot of difficulty left to face. I know Daniel and I are not always going to feel secure in what we've taken on and I know we're not going to have the best of everything for Mark. But I think we're really doing well for being, ya know, young parents. And I think we're going to be doing a bit better soon, considering Daniel has a ton of motivation for finding a better job now (and I do, too, once I'm done being pregnant and Mark's at least a few months old).

And even when things don't always work out perfectly, I just want him to feel loved. I know that if nothing else, there's going to be plenty of that. And I know that when things get tough, I can come here and rant about it and feel awesome knowing that I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed sometimes, and I can appreciate the joys of having a family even when they drive me crazy.

I know that having a baby three weeks before 21 wasn't my plan and it's not exactly something I would've asked for, but it's an amazing feeling. I'm glad that it's happening, because I don't know when I would've ever felt ready to move on from where I was before. My life definitely wasn't heading in the best direction, and I believe Mark saved me from getting too far off track.

I love that: we're the reason he has a life and he's the reason we're no longer wasting ours.

We'll always be here to save each other.



PS: I have a whole list of news to share about Daniel and about my OB. Good news and bad news and hopeful news! But I have to wait a few more days to say some of it, because we're trying not to jinx anything (and other reasons...which I'll explain more when I share). Anyway, I'll be able to rant and rave about it Monday or Tuesday, so expect that!

As of yesterday, there are exactly three months left until Mark is due. And today I'm 27 weeks - hello third trimester! I'm so excited I just can't stand it. I'm ready to get everything moving already, except of course things have slowed down considerably. I mean, the pregnancy really felt like it flew by up until 24 weeks, but since then I feel like it's been forever. I don't exactly know why.

I'm not extremely sad, though; I'm definitely enjoying having Mark in my tummy for the time being. I'm loving the kicks and the punches and the rolls, and I love getting responses whenever I push on my stomach. I love feeling little knees and elbows and fists through my skin whenever he stretches. I love knowing his sleep schedule so that I can almost predict the times that he's going to be moving for me. I just love knowing he's there.

At the beginning I said that this was the first and last time I would ever be pregnant, but I'm a total liar. I know I'm going to miss this, and I know that someday I'll put up with all of the aches and pains and morning sickness, and of course the incredible fears associated with pregnancy, just to feel this magic again.

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Honestly? When I thought about how big ol' 2011 was going to start and end, this wasn't my ideal situation. I didn't expect to get pregnant two weeks into the year I'd be turning 21 - oh, I didn't - and I didn't plan on having a baby on the way out of it. But now that it's all come to be, I wouldn't trade any of it. I couldn't be happier, and really, I couldn't be any luckier.

I don't regret the timing, either. I mean, I panicked when I found out. I cried. I still have moments every once in a while where I think about the enormous responsibility that I'm going to have and it always leaves me feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I definitely wasn't ready - or at least I wasn't prepared.

But things happen and when they do, everything eventually falls into its place; life made me ready. I've changed a lot in such a short time and I know I still have a lot of adapting to do, but I always will, won't I? No matter the particular situation, things are going to continue changing. Forever. And I just really can't be afraid of that.

I may always wish that I had more before Mark came; in fact, I'm absolutely sure I will. But when it really comes down to it, we have (or at least are going to have) everything we need for him. He has his mommy and daddy, we have a place to live and, soon, a car. We already have a ton of diapers and a tub full of clothes just waiting for him - and more to come. We have a crib and a few toys. We have a family and numerous friends who just cannot wait to meet him. We all have so much love for him.

We're on the right track. And when it really comes down to it, life is good; it's as perfect as perfect can be when you have something this enormous thrust at you unexpectedly (or, come on, maybe even if it had been expected - this is a human life we're talking about. There's only so much you can plan).

I know it's going to be hard, oh do I know it, but I'm ready now.

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Updated: I actually took a picture today! Of my stomach, I mean. Actually I've taken a few, but I've never shared one here, so I thought I might for once.

27 weeks today. :)

Nothing terribly exciting, but I've been meaning to do so. 91 days until he's due!

I'm 26 weeks today, which means it's time to post this week's Come October, my weekly pregnancy project. And because I promised to post the story behind my baby's name, here's the (somewhat) simple form of it - although I really could talk forever.

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I met my best friend, Allen, my seventh grade year; he was the new kid and ended up being seated next to me in both English and Advisory (which was basically homeroom with a different name). It was probably the end of that school year that we started talking on the phone and otherwise being friendly outside of school, and our friendship escalated from there.

We were in classes together for a good three years after having met. In that time period we took part in the junior high and early high school dating scene off and on, and were on the phone so often that my dad figured it had become my personal property. Around the middle of our Sophomore year, however, Allen left to attend military academy. And without being able to see each other every day, we eventually lost contact.

After a couple of months of being out of each other's daily lives, we were no longer on one another's minds - until one night, somewhere around the end of summer vacation in between Sophomore and Junior year, Allen called me. I was so surprised to see his name pop up on my cell phone that I stopped what I was doing to answer, and from somewhere around 7 that night until 7 the next morning we talked. I'm not even kidding. We talked straight through the night, and it just seemed so natural.

From then on I was glued to the phone, and for a while there his family pretty much expected any call after school hours to be from me. We talked about anything and everything. And we were there for each other through everything. He eventually transferred back and the routine continued for (almost) the rest of high school.

On March 19, 2008, Allen killed himself. It was the one day that week that I didn't call him, but when he didn't answer the next day I didn't think anything of it. Not until his girlfriend called me later that night and told me what happened. I was devastated. I had never been so close to anyone in my entire life, at least not someone who wasn't family, and I didn't know how to cope. It messed me up for a long time.

Daniel (Boyfriend) was friends with Allen's brother. He hasn't lived with family since he was young, at least not permanently, and ever since he left his mom's house at about 13 (if I remember correctly) he has sort of hopped houses. One of those houses was Allen's, so he was practically a brother to him. He's the only guy I've been involved with since Allen's death who has completely understood my pain.

Then in March of this year, Daniel's dad died. He had been suffering from lung cancer, emphysema and chronic bronchitis, the results of being a heavy smoker for most of his life. I only got to meet him once before I learned he was sick, a few months before Daniel and I started dating, and probably only a few times afterward.

The last day I saw him was horrible. He was in his room in a hospital-style bed. He couldn't talk, could hardly move. We all stood around the bed and talked to him, and Daniel held his hand and had him feel my stomach. He told him that, should we have a boy, we were naming our baby after him. And though Daniel has an older brother named after his dad, everyone thought it was perfect.

And we're having a boy. That's why, Come October, will be naming our baby Mark Allen.

And while we originally wanted a name that would be much less common and much more original, I don't think we could have come up with anything better.

Happy Sunday!

My mom's been in town ever since we got back from Barstow. She, my dad, dad's girlfriend and Boyfriend all went with me to my ultrasound on Thursday, so that was awesome. And since then we've just been hanging out and registering the baby at different stores and having a good time. I've also been job hunting which is just plain difficult when you're pregnant, but I really need something.

Sorry I haven't been as persistent about posting as I was before. I'm hoping I'll be better about it once things settle down more.

Have fun blowing things up tomorrow!

So it feels like I may be on the verge of getting sick - sadface. Such a miserable thing when you're pregnant and not allowed to pop aspirin and cold medicine every ten minutes (just kidding...every fifteen). But I promised to write about this and I probably need to before I sit around to the point that I'm like, "Wait, what did we even do?"

Yeah, that happens to me. A lot.

So here's the basis of it: my mom came into town Thursday, and Friday after Daniel got off work we headed to Barstow (where mom lives). There wasn't really much to the day...just a four hour car ride, and then we watched Juno as we fell asleep. I forgot how much that movie rocks, especially with all the Kimya Dawson hanging around on the soundtrack. So awesome.

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Saturday we slept in and basically hung around the house until around 3 in the afternoon. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Barstow, but if you haven't, I'm going to assume your life is a lot more interesting than mine. The town is awful. Think of that Disney movie Cars come to life - it's probably exactly like that.

Anyway, once we were all up and dressed, Mom took us to a local secondhand store where we looked at baby clothes (so cute!) and then we went to Food 4 Less to pick up (basically) junk food. We headed back to the house, barbecued, and then packed up the van and took the family to the drive-in. I loved it! My dad used to take my sisters and I almost monthly, so it's been pretty lame since ours shut down. Of course Barstow would still have one - just to prove to me that they can one-up us in some way.

Oh, we watched Mr. Popper's Penguins (sp?) and Super 8. They were both pretty alright.

On Sunday, we woke up at about 7-something and headed to Chino around 9-something (where we had even more barbecue). My grandma's husband has this thing where he'll sit a pile of food right in front of you so that it stares you down and makes you feel guilty about the fact that it's not being eaten, so there was that.

And we had watermelon! Which I've been craving so badly (for months), so it was amazing. And there was strawberry shortcake involved, so food-wise I was a pretty happy camper. Nana sat and talked with me for a while and seemed to enjoy Boyfriend, and I told her that I want to use her middle name for my baby's if it turns out to be a girl (two more days until I know, two more, two!) and she told me the history behind it. It was wonderful.

The drive between Barstow and Chino is an hour and a half, so Sunday consisted of probably three hours in the car. Monday we headed back to town, four more hours. The entire weekend was about eleven total. By the time we got home, I had never been happier to walk.

And yeah, that's probably that. I'm not sure if I have anything more to say...hm.

Oh, of course I do: my little brother is a lunatic. And because of him, I now have a Grenade parody permanently stuck in  my head.

 

The biggest problem might be that Brother sings it better than the original. So now I can't even completely enjoy it alone at night when it's stuck on repeat somewhere deep in my brain. Damn.

I survived the weekend - with a chest pain (which is still here and is trying to kill me, I'm sure of it), and tons of family - and had a great time. I'll make sure to write a post about it later.

For now, I'm going to do I don't even know what yet, because I've just spent four hours in a car (on top of the four Friday night, and probably a total of three yesterday) and I've never been so happy to move my legs.

I just called my dad at work and told him to ask for the 30th off so that he can go to the ultrasound with us, and he immediately said he could get that day off and sounded like the happiest person in the world. It made me feel all kinds of awesome.

Mine rocks!
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And now I've just texted my mom and asked her if she was going, and she said, "Yes yes yes." So I'm pretty sure they're excited, but I could be wrong.

"I'll be there with my happy pants on," says mom.

My mom's coming down in the beginning of next week and staying until the weekend. Then she's going to pick up Boyfriend, my sister and me and we're planning to go and see my Nana in Riverside. Her memory and speech are apparently really getting bad and they say she's suffering from something like mini-strokes inside her brain. The weekend is going to be pretty emotional, I'm sure. I'm already emotional at the drop of a pin, so fuck.

I think I'm going to stay at the apartment tonight, but I can't really be sure. I was supposed to stay there last night as well, so we'll see how everything goes. As it is, I have a ton of errands to run, and I don't even know why I'm still sitting around here. I need to start sleeping at night so that I don't waste my days.

I'm sorry this post sounds so choppy. I'm sort of in a hurry, but I wanted to post this because they're all things that are on my mind. I might come back and edit it later, but I can't promise anything.

While I'm gone, head over to my blog roll tab and make sure to link yourselves. Enjoy the rest of your Friday!

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you to all of the new followers. It's been so lovely meeting all of you and actually receiving comments on the posts I write. It's refreshing after my past attempts at blogging, which spanned over the course of years and yet were never really read.


So today I drove down to my college and finally took the first steps into changing my major. I've been talking about it for a while now as I've been unhappy with English from the very beginning of my college career, even though it's always been my best subject.

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Here's the thing: about a year ago I walked into the college's Child Development Center and asked about volunteering. I didn't really have a reason and it wasn't going toward a job or school or anything, I just felt a need to try.

Basically the director told me that I had to take a basic Ch Dev class with the school and then I could come back and apply. I took the class, researched and wrote the speech for a pretty badass debate topic, passed with an awesome grade, and fell in love. I have wanted to delve further into the field ever since, but I never actually took the necessary steps. Until today!

I'm so happy I talked to the counselor. I've been feeling incredibly defeated lately, as my grades haven't been impressive (I was too unhappy with what I was doing to do it well), and I felt like I was pretty far behind. But I'm much further ahead than I thought I was, and actually only have maybe two or three more semesters of classes to do before I can graduate - and only because I'm planning to do it a little bit slowly, what with the pregnancy and the new baby and all.

Seriously...
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I'm happy with my choice and I'm happy that I'm actually doing what I want to do. I started college before I really knew who I was and I definitely wasn't ready for it, but I at least feel a little refreshed today. I'm so ready for this!

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In other news, my bedroom TV is currently hooked up with the one in the living room so that I can watch Netflix without having the Wii hooked up in here - the only thing is, I have to watch whatever's playing in that room. My sister is currently in search mode typing in things like "Tay sucks" (that's me!) and "Barney" and other children's shows. And now we're watching Yo Gabba Gabba. My sister is sixteen.

My family is weird.