I'm a few days late, as always. I've been stressed...I have a lot to do, and I keep starting it and not finishing, only doing a little bit at a time. I stop because I hurt and start again because I'm stressed, and I repeat the same cycle over and over and over every day or two. I guess the blog just hasn't really been on my mind because preparing for Mark has taken over everything else.

Anyway, I'm 35 weeks as of about 3 days ago and that's scary. I haven't finished cleaning my room out...I haven't set the crib up (now that it's here and not at the apartment)...I haven't put Mark's clothes in drawers... I haven't done anything! Well, at least not as far as actually having things ready for him. Right now I'm just cleaning out my things to make room for his so that I can do the rest of that. I've got everything but it's still all in storage boxes and unwashed and needing to be folded. Sigh. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Totally huge 35 week me

Baha! Ain't that the truth. Tons and tons and tons of work ahead of me for the rest of my life. But hey, I'm up for the challenge. :)

I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I feel huge and uncomfortable and unattractive. And I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball...I swear that in the last few days he's gotten heavier, that he's kicking me harder than ever. It hurts. I can't wait to get him out of me...because I want to be back to (semi-) normal, but also because I want to cuddle his brains out.

Ha, no, not really. That sounds violent. But I do really want to snuggle him. It's going to be great.

It still doesn't feel real, and now that I'm starting to see a number of friends deliver their babies and I'm getting to smile over their pictures, I keep commenting and realizing, "Whoa, I'm going to have one of those." But it still never really sinks in until I see the next picture, make the next comment, and then it's only a reality for a few minutes. I keep losing it again...I don't know what I'm going to feel like when I have all of his things set up in my room. Or when I go into labor. Or when I'm in the hospital. Or when he's actually sleeping in that crib, in my room, and I can actually look at him.

I'm so excited and so nervous and so scared.

Right now kind of sucks. I can't stay with Daniel and he can't stay here with me. It makes things hard, and I honestly do get really sad and lonely (especially considering he's pretty much the only person I leave the house for anymore...sigh). I can't stand it...he's my baby's dad and I can't even cuddle with him at night or coax him into giving me a back rub or anything. Haha.

But really, I just want to spend time with him. It'd be really nice to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling scared or to be hugged when I'm crying. It'd be nice just to feel safe next to him at night. It's hurting me thinking about everything we're missing out on...like our last moments alone for, what, forever? The last few chances to have real conversations and to hold each other without having to jump up to change or feed or bathe Mark.

And what about when the baby's coming and I can't get a hold of him? He doesn't have his own phone right now, so I guess I'll have to go beat down their door, have to go to the hospital alone and hope someone gets the news back to him if he's not home. Then of course when I'm all sore and whatnot back at home after the hospital he won't be around to help take care of me and to spend the first few nights with his baby.

It's thoughts like these that are really depressing me. How can we be a family if we can't even act like one? If we're separated the entire time? I don't want things to be like this anymore.

I'm gonna be mushy for a minute, and you totally have to live with  it. (Aww, just kidding. You can overlook this if you really, really want to.)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank those of you who end up here on any given day, whether new to the blog or a regular visitor, and who leave behind kind words to encourage me in living this life. You are all so amazing! I don't know what I would do without you, or without this blog which has connected us.

The list of friends I have in real life has definitely dwindled, but it's thankfully starting to grow back up a little now that my "condition" has become a little more of a permanent thing. Do you know what I mean? I guess they needed it to settle in before they could accept it, I'm not really sure. And while I know that there are a few people who I will not be accepting back into my life, I'm thankful for a few of them. Even if just to talk to on Facebook.

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Heather on Pinterest

Not to mention the fact that everyone and their mother is pregnant all of a sudden. It's insane! There are quite a few girls who I already knew about, as their babies are due in the same month as Mark (and a few are the month before and after). But now a ton are expecting in the beginning of next year as well. I'm excited for all of them, but I'm with some of my other (non-pregnant) friends now: what the hell's in the water around here?

Anyway, you guys have helped me through a period in which I didn't even have that - acquaintances, I mean. People to connect to. A period in which I felt really alone. I made this blog in the hopes of getting my frustrations out when I had no one to really talk to, at least not every time I needed it, and luckily I found support along with it. I truly can't thank you enough.

This has been a hard time and I know there's a lot of difficulty left to face. I know Daniel and I are not always going to feel secure in what we've taken on and I know we're not going to have the best of everything for Mark. But I think we're really doing well for being, ya know, young parents. And I think we're going to be doing a bit better soon, considering Daniel has a ton of motivation for finding a better job now (and I do, too, once I'm done being pregnant and Mark's at least a few months old).

And even when things don't always work out perfectly, I just want him to feel loved. I know that if nothing else, there's going to be plenty of that. And I know that when things get tough, I can come here and rant about it and feel awesome knowing that I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed sometimes, and I can appreciate the joys of having a family even when they drive me crazy.

I know that having a baby three weeks before 21 wasn't my plan and it's not exactly something I would've asked for, but it's an amazing feeling. I'm glad that it's happening, because I don't know when I would've ever felt ready to move on from where I was before. My life definitely wasn't heading in the best direction, and I believe Mark saved me from getting too far off track.

I love that: we're the reason he has a life and he's the reason we're no longer wasting ours.

We'll always be here to save each other.



PS: I have a whole list of news to share about Daniel and about my OB. Good news and bad news and hopeful news! But I have to wait a few more days to say some of it, because we're trying not to jinx anything (and other reasons...which I'll explain more when I share). Anyway, I'll be able to rant and rave about it Monday or Tuesday, so expect that!

As of yesterday, there are exactly three months left until Mark is due. And today I'm 27 weeks - hello third trimester! I'm so excited I just can't stand it. I'm ready to get everything moving already, except of course things have slowed down considerably. I mean, the pregnancy really felt like it flew by up until 24 weeks, but since then I feel like it's been forever. I don't exactly know why.

I'm not extremely sad, though; I'm definitely enjoying having Mark in my tummy for the time being. I'm loving the kicks and the punches and the rolls, and I love getting responses whenever I push on my stomach. I love feeling little knees and elbows and fists through my skin whenever he stretches. I love knowing his sleep schedule so that I can almost predict the times that he's going to be moving for me. I just love knowing he's there.

At the beginning I said that this was the first and last time I would ever be pregnant, but I'm a total liar. I know I'm going to miss this, and I know that someday I'll put up with all of the aches and pains and morning sickness, and of course the incredible fears associated with pregnancy, just to feel this magic again.

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Source: loveology-photos.xanga.com via Melanie on Pinterest

Honestly? When I thought about how big ol' 2011 was going to start and end, this wasn't my ideal situation. I didn't expect to get pregnant two weeks into the year I'd be turning 21 - oh, I didn't - and I didn't plan on having a baby on the way out of it. But now that it's all come to be, I wouldn't trade any of it. I couldn't be happier, and really, I couldn't be any luckier.

I don't regret the timing, either. I mean, I panicked when I found out. I cried. I still have moments every once in a while where I think about the enormous responsibility that I'm going to have and it always leaves me feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I definitely wasn't ready - or at least I wasn't prepared.

But things happen and when they do, everything eventually falls into its place; life made me ready. I've changed a lot in such a short time and I know I still have a lot of adapting to do, but I always will, won't I? No matter the particular situation, things are going to continue changing. Forever. And I just really can't be afraid of that.

I may always wish that I had more before Mark came; in fact, I'm absolutely sure I will. But when it really comes down to it, we have (or at least are going to have) everything we need for him. He has his mommy and daddy, we have a place to live and, soon, a car. We already have a ton of diapers and a tub full of clothes just waiting for him - and more to come. We have a crib and a few toys. We have a family and numerous friends who just cannot wait to meet him. We all have so much love for him.

We're on the right track. And when it really comes down to it, life is good; it's as perfect as perfect can be when you have something this enormous thrust at you unexpectedly (or, come on, maybe even if it had been expected - this is a human life we're talking about. There's only so much you can plan).

I know it's going to be hard, oh do I know it, but I'm ready now.

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Updated: I actually took a picture today! Of my stomach, I mean. Actually I've taken a few, but I've never shared one here, so I thought I might for once.

27 weeks today. :)

Nothing terribly exciting, but I've been meaning to do so. 91 days until he's due!

It's like, I don't want to complain about everything...but I just need to.

Daniel can still smoke and drink and see his friends, and I haven't asked him to stop any of that because I honestly just don't feel like he should have to until he wants to. And I know he will, because he loves our baby. I know he will because he's already cut back immensely. I know he will as his bond with Baby Boy grows even stronger, because as much as I want to yell that he should have wanted to stop the day we learned that BB was growing inside of me, he didn't feel the same way I did.

Source: lh4.googleusercontent.com
via Beck on Pinterest

For him, it wasn't real until the first ultrasound, when he actually saw proof of BB's existence. Before that he just knew that I was puking and that I felt an some sort of magic pulsing through me, and living vicariously, well, it's just not the same.

And I don't mean that an immediate change needs to occur. I don't even mean that he should cut everything out completely. What I mean is that it doesn't need to be done around me while I'm pregnant, it doesn't need to be done around our little boy ever, and it doesn't need to be done, generally, in excess. You know?

Everything in my life has changed for this baby. I quit all of my bad habits (which I'm not really complaining about). I quit doing things that aren't really that big of a deal, but which I'm not allowed to do with a baby inside of me - like avoiding doctor's offices at all costs and walking everywhere in 100 degree weather and wondering if there was ever a use for water besides showering (you can drink this stuff??).

And I lost most (nearly all) of my friends because they just don't know how to connect with me anymore, since I get back-aches after two hours of watching them get shitfaced and want to go home, but they have four more games of beer pong lined up and the vodka's not gone. I get it, guys, but I'm currently home to a parasite, and I just can't take it.

I feel very alone lately.

I'm not saying that Daniel isn't there for us - he's a wonderful person, but god am I feeling overwhelmed. It's hard being the woman! He doesn't even have to think about the situation if he doesn't want to (not saying that he doesn't, but you get me?), and at any point in time he can just decide that this wasn't the right time for him and he can walk away.

I can't. I'm the one who this baby is attaching to even though it doesn't even feel real to me sometimes. I'm the one who no longer has any control over her body, at least for the time being - I can't eat what I want or drink what I want or go where I want, and I'm getting fat without even really changing my diet that drastically. I'm the one who has turned into a goddamn apartment building (with free buffet coming soon!). I'm the one who will be expected to (and who just will) always nurture this child because it's what's expected of me, because it's what's right, because it's my human nature.

Damn me. All of that sounds so incredibly selfish.

And it's not to say that I don't want this. I really want this. I already love my baby more than anything and he's not even here yet. I can't wait to feed him and cuddle him and even change him - it just doesn't scare me. I don't expect any of it to be easy, but I don't feel that I can't do any part of it. I know I can.

But sometimes it's just so frustrating thinking about the way everything's changing and the potential future situations that I just want to cry. And sometimes (most the time...) the situation I'm crying over isn't even close to being real.

Like: as if Daniel's going to leave me? He's the one who's always wanted kids. I'm the one who could have done without (until BB was real, at least, now there's no way I could). And he loves me, loves us, so incredibly much that his love alone makes me cry happy tears sometimes, because just knowing that I'm capable of inspiring that kind of feeling in someone after so long of being in shitty relationships is so incredibly overwhelming. My pregnant mind just doesn't know how else to react.

Still though, it will always be my biggest fear. And maybe it's those shitty relationships that has helped put me on constant alert, and maybe I need to teach myself how to get over it. I just don't know how to, especially now that I'm so incredibly vulnerable.

I don't understand myself anymore.

Source: wonderwren.blogspot.com via Erin on Pinterest

PS: I went to go and find a picture on Pinterest that had something to do with stress and pregnancy so that I could include it here. And I found this, and it made me cry - in the best way. I truly can't wait for my little boy; he's already my everything.

PPS? My 100 day countdown just started. How very exciting.