Come October: Week 35

9.18.2011

I'm a few days late, as always. I've been stressed...I have a lot to do, and I keep starting it and not finishing, only doing a little bit at a time. I stop because I hurt and start again because I'm stressed, and I repeat the same cycle over and over and over every day or two. I guess the blog just hasn't really been on my mind because preparing for Mark has taken over everything else.

Anyway, I'm 35 weeks as of about 3 days ago and that's scary. I haven't finished cleaning my room out...I haven't set the crib up (now that it's here and not at the apartment)...I haven't put Mark's clothes in drawers... I haven't done anything! Well, at least not as far as actually having things ready for him. Right now I'm just cleaning out my things to make room for his so that I can do the rest of that. I've got everything but it's still all in storage boxes and unwashed and needing to be folded. Sigh. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Totally huge 35 week me
Baha! Ain't that the truth. Tons and tons and tons of work ahead of me for the rest of my life. But hey, I'm up for the challenge. :)

I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I feel huge and uncomfortable and unattractive. And I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball...I swear that in the last few days he's gotten heavier, that he's kicking me harder than ever. It hurts. I can't wait to get him out of me...because I want to be back to (semi-) normal, but also because I want to cuddle his brains out.

Ha, no, not really. That sounds violent. But I do really want to snuggle him. It's going to be great.

It still doesn't feel real, and now that I'm starting to see a number of friends deliver their babies and I'm getting to smile over their pictures, I keep commenting and realizing, "Whoa, I'm going to have one of those." But it still never really sinks in until I see the next picture, make the next comment, and then it's only a reality for a few minutes. I keep losing it again...I don't know what I'm going to feel like when I have all of his things set up in my room. Or when I go into labor. Or when I'm in the hospital. Or when he's actually sleeping in that crib, in my room, and I can actually look at him.

I'm so excited and so nervous and so scared.

Right now kind of sucks. I can't stay with Daniel and he can't stay here with me. It makes things hard, and I honestly do get really sad and lonely (especially considering he's pretty much the only person I leave the house for anymore...sigh). I can't stand it...he's my baby's dad and I can't even cuddle with him at night or coax him into giving me a back rub or anything. Haha.

But really, I just want to spend time with him. It'd be really nice to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling scared or to be hugged when I'm crying. It'd be nice just to feel safe next to him at night. It's hurting me thinking about everything we're missing out on...like our last moments alone for, what, forever? The last few chances to have real conversations and to hold each other without having to jump up to change or feed or bathe Mark.

And what about when the baby's coming and I can't get a hold of him? He doesn't have his own phone right now, so I guess I'll have to go beat down their door, have to go to the hospital alone and hope someone gets the news back to him if he's not home. Then of course when I'm all sore and whatnot back at home after the hospital he won't be around to help take care of me and to spend the first few nights with his baby.

It's thoughts like these that are really depressing me. How can we be a family if we can't even act like one? If we're separated the entire time? I don't want things to be like this anymore.

6 comments:

  1. Hi,

    I am a new follower from the blog hop. Please come follow me back http://lifewithtwinsandadramaqueen.blogspot.com/

    Have a WONDERFUL day!

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  2. it sounds like things are tough for you right now. i hope you can hang in there by remembering that things WILL get better. y'all have already been blessed with so many things, in so many ways. and in time, things will work out for you. i know it's hard. and know that you're in my thoughts. i just said a prayer for you and will continue to be praying for y'all. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. WOW! big tummy you got there... left a kiss, girl! hope i get one back, thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh man the end of pregnancy is no fun. I think it's meant to be that way too, babies are great but if you where totally comfortable would really want the baby out and all those scary things to actually happen?

    It's all good though. Once that baby comes out you'll things will start to fall into place. I had a nightmare birth with my last child (her head was out and we were still in the car on the way to the hospital) and you know what? I would do it all again for her.

    Hang in there, I'm confident things will work out for you!

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  5. Almost there!! You will love the after math! :)

    Hi, Im a new follower from the VB Monday Free Hop, loving the blog! I would love to invite you to follow me, J'S REVIEWS AND GIVEAWAYS
    Thanks so much! have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love your site! I’m your newest follower on GFC and Networked Blogs! I’d love to have you as a follower on the PS Beauty Blog too!
    I look forward to reading more of your posts :)

    ReplyDelete

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