Anyway, I'm 35 weeks as of about 3 days ago and that's scary. I haven't finished cleaning my room out...I haven't set the crib up (now that it's here and not at the apartment)...I haven't put Mark's clothes in drawers... I haven't done anything! Well, at least not as far as actually having things ready for him. Right now I'm just cleaning out my things to make room for his so that I can do the rest of that. I've got everything but it's still all in storage boxes and unwashed and needing to be folded. Sigh. I have a lot of work ahead of me.
|Totally huge 35 week me|
I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I feel huge and uncomfortable and unattractive. And I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball...I swear that in the last few days he's gotten heavier, that he's kicking me harder than ever. It hurts. I can't wait to get him out of me...because I want to be back to (semi-) normal, but also because I want to cuddle his brains out.
Ha, no, not really. That sounds violent. But I do really want to snuggle him. It's going to be great.
It still doesn't feel real, and now that I'm starting to see a number of friends deliver their babies and I'm getting to smile over their pictures, I keep commenting and realizing, "Whoa, I'm going to have one of those." But it still never really sinks in until I see the next picture, make the next comment, and then it's only a reality for a few minutes. I keep losing it again...I don't know what I'm going to feel like when I have all of his things set up in my room. Or when I go into labor. Or when I'm in the hospital. Or when he's actually sleeping in that crib, in my room, and I can actually look at him.
I'm so excited and so nervous and so scared.
Right now kind of sucks. I can't stay with Daniel and he can't stay here with me. It makes things hard, and I honestly do get really sad and lonely (especially considering he's pretty much the only person I leave the house for anymore...sigh). I can't stand it...he's my baby's dad and I can't even cuddle with him at night or coax him into giving me a back rub or anything. Haha.
But really, I just want to spend time with him. It'd be really nice to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling scared or to be hugged when I'm crying. It'd be nice just to feel safe next to him at night. It's hurting me thinking about everything we're missing out on...like our last moments alone for, what, forever? The last few chances to have real conversations and to hold each other without having to jump up to change or feed or bathe Mark.
And what about when the baby's coming and I can't get a hold of him? He doesn't have his own phone right now, so I guess I'll have to go beat down their door, have to go to the hospital alone and hope someone gets the news back to him if he's not home. Then of course when I'm all sore and whatnot back at home after the hospital he won't be around to help take care of me and to spend the first few nights with his baby.
It's thoughts like these that are really depressing me. How can we be a family if we can't even act like one? If we're separated the entire time? I don't want things to be like this anymore.