It's like, I don't want to complain about everything...but I just need to.

Daniel can still smoke and drink and see his friends, and I haven't asked him to stop any of that because I honestly just don't feel like he should have to until he wants to. And I know he will, because he loves our baby. I know he will because he's already cut back immensely. I know he will as his bond with Baby Boy grows even stronger, because as much as I want to yell that he should have wanted to stop the day we learned that BB was growing inside of me, he didn't feel the same way I did.

Source: lh4.googleusercontent.com
via Beck on Pinterest

For him, it wasn't real until the first ultrasound, when he actually saw proof of BB's existence. Before that he just knew that I was puking and that I felt an some sort of magic pulsing through me, and living vicariously, well, it's just not the same.

And I don't mean that an immediate change needs to occur. I don't even mean that he should cut everything out completely. What I mean is that it doesn't need to be done around me while I'm pregnant, it doesn't need to be done around our little boy ever, and it doesn't need to be done, generally, in excess. You know?

Everything in my life has changed for this baby. I quit all of my bad habits (which I'm not really complaining about). I quit doing things that aren't really that big of a deal, but which I'm not allowed to do with a baby inside of me - like avoiding doctor's offices at all costs and walking everywhere in 100 degree weather and wondering if there was ever a use for water besides showering (you can drink this stuff??).

And I lost most (nearly all) of my friends because they just don't know how to connect with me anymore, since I get back-aches after two hours of watching them get shitfaced and want to go home, but they have four more games of beer pong lined up and the vodka's not gone. I get it, guys, but I'm currently home to a parasite, and I just can't take it.

I feel very alone lately.

I'm not saying that Daniel isn't there for us - he's a wonderful person, but god am I feeling overwhelmed. It's hard being the woman! He doesn't even have to think about the situation if he doesn't want to (not saying that he doesn't, but you get me?), and at any point in time he can just decide that this wasn't the right time for him and he can walk away.

I can't. I'm the one who this baby is attaching to even though it doesn't even feel real to me sometimes. I'm the one who no longer has any control over her body, at least for the time being - I can't eat what I want or drink what I want or go where I want, and I'm getting fat without even really changing my diet that drastically. I'm the one who has turned into a goddamn apartment building (with free buffet coming soon!). I'm the one who will be expected to (and who just will) always nurture this child because it's what's expected of me, because it's what's right, because it's my human nature.

Damn me. All of that sounds so incredibly selfish.

And it's not to say that I don't want this. I really want this. I already love my baby more than anything and he's not even here yet. I can't wait to feed him and cuddle him and even change him - it just doesn't scare me. I don't expect any of it to be easy, but I don't feel that I can't do any part of it. I know I can.

But sometimes it's just so frustrating thinking about the way everything's changing and the potential future situations that I just want to cry. And sometimes (most the time...) the situation I'm crying over isn't even close to being real.

Like: as if Daniel's going to leave me? He's the one who's always wanted kids. I'm the one who could have done without (until BB was real, at least, now there's no way I could). And he loves me, loves us, so incredibly much that his love alone makes me cry happy tears sometimes, because just knowing that I'm capable of inspiring that kind of feeling in someone after so long of being in shitty relationships is so incredibly overwhelming. My pregnant mind just doesn't know how else to react.

Still though, it will always be my biggest fear. And maybe it's those shitty relationships that has helped put me on constant alert, and maybe I need to teach myself how to get over it. I just don't know how to, especially now that I'm so incredibly vulnerable.

I don't understand myself anymore.

Source: wonderwren.blogspot.com via Erin on Pinterest

PS: I went to go and find a picture on Pinterest that had something to do with stress and pregnancy so that I could include it here. And I found this, and it made me cry - in the best way. I truly can't wait for my little boy; he's already my everything.

PPS? My 100 day countdown just started. How very exciting.

Come October, we won't remember ever having wanted anything more than we do you.

Photo via Pinterest, editing is obviously mine.

It's Thursday - I'm 22 weeks today.

I started to write "I'm 22 weeks along" but for some reason it always bothers me to see the 'along' in there. Not that this sounds better, really, because I'm much older than 22 weeks, but it's just one of my quirks. Maybe...yeah, it's probably just me.

I decided to name this, considering I'm going to be doing it every week for...a while. I finally settled on 'Come October' since Little One is due in Oct of this year, because it's always been my favorite month, and because I'm already going crazy wanting to hold him/her.

How perfect is that? Well, I like it.

I only have to wait two more weeks until I know whether LO is a girl or a boy (as long as s/he's cooperating!) and I am going insane with anticipation.


On another note, let me just say that I'm so happy I gave up my bad habits for this baby.

My biggest problem was smoking - which I had been doing (quite heavily) since I was definitely not old enough to purchase cigarettes for myself. And then a couple of days after finding out I was pregnant (I had slowed down dramatically, but not stopped) I woke up and just decided that I wasn't going to anymore, and it wasn't the battle that it had been during previous quitting attempts. It wasn't challenge. It was like the day I decided to start: quick, smooth, and habit in no time.

Source: 4ormat-asset.s3.amazonaws.com 
via Hannah on Pinterest

As it were, I was young. I was stupid. And I told myself that I wasn't ever going to stop, pregnant or not. After all, I had friends who had delivered healthy babies, albeit small, after smoking the lengths of their pregnancies, so why shouldn't I?

But after I started thinking about the life inside of me, after I started falling head over heels in love, it felt like the cruelest thing I could ever do. I was amazed at how easy quitting was when I knew I wasn't just in charge of my own body anymore, but my baby's as well. And I can't believe I ever thought there was any other option.

I look back on who I was just a few short months ago and I'm really proud of myself. While I do feel incredibly guilty for those few days that I considered continuing, I'm happy that I came to the right conclusions and made the right decisions in the end. It truly comforts me knowing that I will always (at least try to) do the same in the future.

Hopefully this is proof that I won't be the terrible mom I've been afraid of becoming.