This is just a rant


It's like, I don't want to complain about everything...but I just need to.

Daniel can still smoke and drink and see his friends, and I haven't asked him to stop any of that because I honestly just don't feel like he should have to until he wants to. And I know he will, because he loves our baby. I know he will because he's already cut back immensely. I know he will as his bond with Baby Boy grows even stronger, because as much as I want to yell that he should have wanted to stop the day we learned that BB was growing inside of me, he didn't feel the same way I did.
via Beck on Pinterest

For him, it wasn't real until the first ultrasound, when he actually saw proof of BB's existence. Before that he just knew that I was puking and that I felt an some sort of magic pulsing through me, and living vicariously, well, it's just not the same.

And I don't mean that an immediate change needs to occur. I don't even mean that he should cut everything out completely. What I mean is that it doesn't need to be done around me while I'm pregnant, it doesn't need to be done around our little boy ever, and it doesn't need to be done, generally, in excess. You know?

Everything in my life has changed for this baby. I quit all of my bad habits (which I'm not really complaining about). I quit doing things that aren't really that big of a deal, but which I'm not allowed to do with a baby inside of me - like avoiding doctor's offices at all costs and walking everywhere in 100 degree weather and wondering if there was ever a use for water besides showering (you can drink this stuff??).

And I lost most (nearly all) of my friends because they just don't know how to connect with me anymore, since I get back-aches after two hours of watching them get shitfaced and want to go home, but they have four more games of beer pong lined up and the vodka's not gone. I get it, guys, but I'm currently home to a parasite, and I just can't take it.

I feel very alone lately.

I'm not saying that Daniel isn't there for us - he's a wonderful person, but god am I feeling overwhelmed. It's hard being the woman! He doesn't even have to think about the situation if he doesn't want to (not saying that he doesn't, but you get me?), and at any point in time he can just decide that this wasn't the right time for him and he can walk away.

I can't. I'm the one who this baby is attaching to even though it doesn't even feel real to me sometimes. I'm the one who no longer has any control over her body, at least for the time being - I can't eat what I want or drink what I want or go where I want, and I'm getting fat without even really changing my diet that drastically. I'm the one who has turned into a goddamn apartment building (with free buffet coming soon!). I'm the one who will be expected to (and who just will) always nurture this child because it's what's expected of me, because it's what's right, because it's my human nature.

Damn me. All of that sounds so incredibly selfish.

And it's not to say that I don't want this. I really want this. I already love my baby more than anything and he's not even here yet. I can't wait to feed him and cuddle him and even change him - it just doesn't scare me. I don't expect any of it to be easy, but I don't feel that I can't do any part of it. I know I can.

But sometimes it's just so frustrating thinking about the way everything's changing and the potential future situations that I just want to cry. And sometimes (most the time...) the situation I'm crying over isn't even close to being real.

Like: as if Daniel's going to leave me? He's the one who's always wanted kids. I'm the one who could have done without (until BB was real, at least, now there's no way I could). And he loves me, loves us, so incredibly much that his love alone makes me cry happy tears sometimes, because just knowing that I'm capable of inspiring that kind of feeling in someone after so long of being in shitty relationships is so incredibly overwhelming. My pregnant mind just doesn't know how else to react.

Still though, it will always be my biggest fear. And maybe it's those shitty relationships that has helped put me on constant alert, and maybe I need to teach myself how to get over it. I just don't know how to, especially now that I'm so incredibly vulnerable.

I don't understand myself anymore.

Source: via Erin on Pinterest

PS: I went to go and find a picture on Pinterest that had something to do with stress and pregnancy so that I could include it here. And I found this, and it made me cry - in the best way. I truly can't wait for my little boy; he's already my everything.

PPS? My 100 day countdown just started. How very exciting.


  1. Hello!!! I am following you---I thing I found your blog through For the Love of Blogs. I'm glad I read this :)

    I have had five children--and I just wanted to tell you take in every flip-flop, every little kick, every little turn. I wish I would have wrote about what it was like with each one of my children--you know journaled each pregnancy?? But, sadly I didn't :( But I will tell you this--I LOVED having my children grow inside me---the feeling is only surmounted by their arrival. Funny how ALL the labor pain is instantly forgotten the moment they get here. Enjoy the journey of being pregnant. (and rest, rest, rest!)

    I can't speak to your fears about Daniel...but I'm sure that if he loves you and BB as much as you say---you won't have anything to worry about. I'll say a little prayer that it all works out :) Cheers, Jenn

  2. Pregnant women have a right to complain, and to be protective of the little life inside them. Everything goes into overdrive when you're pregnant, and it gets worse right after the baby is born.
    When you forge a path, one that's right for your child, sometimes you have start it alone, but that doesn't mean there aren't people out there who understand what you're going through. And it doesn't mean you'll never have friends again or that everything will blow up in your face. Sometimes when you start you own path you start alone, but soon you find yourself in the midst of others who started out the same way.

  3. Thank you guys so much. :) Blogging all of this really is to therapeutic, and at first I thought I just needed to write about the happy parts of my life constantly - but that's not honest, and someday I'm going to want to remember everything. And it's nice knowing there are people who understand the negatives as well.

  4. This is so sweet. I love your story. It takes me back when I was pregnant with my little boy. I'm 32 and having my first baby and he just meant everything to me. Every little kick and every little teenie tiny thing that happened was such a big deal to me. Congrats and I'm glad you're finding blogging to be therapeutic as I did as well.

    Take care Taylor and have a great rest of the week!


    Lexie Lane

  5. That comment was wonderful. Thank you so much. :)

  6. I completely understand where you're coming from. Guys just don't understand that being pregnant and having kids is not JUST a natural process that every woman goes through. It's unique for everyone, we have our genuine fears, insecurities, lose hope sometimes, and sacrifice EVERYTHING for them. Sometimes all we need is a little aknowlegement that they understand our sacrifices.
    My husband, although very loving and caring, doesn't understand my fears of having kids in his mind its only a natural course in life. I hope everything works out for you, your post showed me that I am not alone, and I hope that you feel you're not alone either.


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