I haven't been blogging much lately. I haven't really known what to say.

The day Mark turned 18 months old, I took him to the doctor and expressed my concerns about his lack of speech. He has picked up one or two words since he was born, and then eventually never used them again. He doesn't say more than "mama" and "dada" and doesn't always use them to address us. It's been frustrating, but we figured it would come with time--he babbled so early that he had to pick it up eventually, right?

Just a few days after I graduated, we had our referral appointment with a local resource center. He was exactly 19 months old and they determined him to be 5 months in expressive speech and 7 months in receptive speech.

More than that, he is only 13 months in fine motor (small movements like grabbing), 15-18 months in gross motor (large movements, like running and jumping), 7 months in cognitive abilities, 12 months in social/emotional skills, and 9-13 months in adaptive/self-help skills. He is likely Autistic but will not be diagnosed until 3.

We have been put into a program called FACES ("Facing Autism's Challenges by Expanding Skills") and ABA Therapy 5 days a week. We're starting out at 1 hour a day but could be upped to 3 if he's comfortable with it and they feel he needs it.

I'm happy that we got him help instead of ignoring it. I'm happy that they referred him when they didn't truly understand the full extent. I'm happy that he has been acknowledged so early and may be able to slide by without ever being diagnosed, should the therapy benefit him enough.

But I'm sad. I don't know why. He's amazing, just as amazing as before the news and I love him with every fiber of my being, but this changes so much. It changes how people see him. It changes how we have to go about things in life. It changes the way he'll be treated in so many different circumstances.

It makes it clear why he is the way he is. Signs that were meaningless to me before are glaringly obvious now. I just hope that they won't be in a few months.

My kid is awesome and so is every other child ever, especially Autistic children. They're amazing and all of you who have been through this with your children are amazing. It's hard. It's not something I ever imagined, or ever wanted to. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

We're working with the best team of people that I could ever imagine, and I'm grateful for that. We're lucky to have the resources that we do, and we're lucky to have each other.

I'm a few days late, as always. I've been stressed...I have a lot to do, and I keep starting it and not finishing, only doing a little bit at a time. I stop because I hurt and start again because I'm stressed, and I repeat the same cycle over and over and over every day or two. I guess the blog just hasn't really been on my mind because preparing for Mark has taken over everything else.

Anyway, I'm 35 weeks as of about 3 days ago and that's scary. I haven't finished cleaning my room out...I haven't set the crib up (now that it's here and not at the apartment)...I haven't put Mark's clothes in drawers... I haven't done anything! Well, at least not as far as actually having things ready for him. Right now I'm just cleaning out my things to make room for his so that I can do the rest of that. I've got everything but it's still all in storage boxes and unwashed and needing to be folded. Sigh. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Totally huge 35 week me

Baha! Ain't that the truth. Tons and tons and tons of work ahead of me for the rest of my life. But hey, I'm up for the challenge. :)

I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I feel huge and uncomfortable and unattractive. And I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball...I swear that in the last few days he's gotten heavier, that he's kicking me harder than ever. It hurts. I can't wait to get him out of me...because I want to be back to (semi-) normal, but also because I want to cuddle his brains out.

Ha, no, not really. That sounds violent. But I do really want to snuggle him. It's going to be great.

It still doesn't feel real, and now that I'm starting to see a number of friends deliver their babies and I'm getting to smile over their pictures, I keep commenting and realizing, "Whoa, I'm going to have one of those." But it still never really sinks in until I see the next picture, make the next comment, and then it's only a reality for a few minutes. I keep losing it again...I don't know what I'm going to feel like when I have all of his things set up in my room. Or when I go into labor. Or when I'm in the hospital. Or when he's actually sleeping in that crib, in my room, and I can actually look at him.

I'm so excited and so nervous and so scared.

Right now kind of sucks. I can't stay with Daniel and he can't stay here with me. It makes things hard, and I honestly do get really sad and lonely (especially considering he's pretty much the only person I leave the house for anymore...sigh). I can't stand it...he's my baby's dad and I can't even cuddle with him at night or coax him into giving me a back rub or anything. Haha.

But really, I just want to spend time with him. It'd be really nice to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling scared or to be hugged when I'm crying. It'd be nice just to feel safe next to him at night. It's hurting me thinking about everything we're missing out on...like our last moments alone for, what, forever? The last few chances to have real conversations and to hold each other without having to jump up to change or feed or bathe Mark.

And what about when the baby's coming and I can't get a hold of him? He doesn't have his own phone right now, so I guess I'll have to go beat down their door, have to go to the hospital alone and hope someone gets the news back to him if he's not home. Then of course when I'm all sore and whatnot back at home after the hospital he won't be around to help take care of me and to spend the first few nights with his baby.

It's thoughts like these that are really depressing me. How can we be a family if we can't even act like one? If we're separated the entire time? I don't want things to be like this anymore.

Today I'm 34 weeks and, what, 3 days pregnant? I have 39 days left until the due date. I can remember reaching the 100 day mark and being so excited. And then getting into the 60's and that exciting me, and I remember talking about the fact that I couldn't wait to cut that in half, to get into the 30's.

Welp, yeah, now I'm terrified. I told this to my OB the other day and all he said was, "It's your first baby? Well, honestly? I think you're going to find it really boring." You know, all that 'first labors are longer' and 'you'll find the pain isn't as bad as you expect it to be.' Thing is, I don't know if I should feel comforted or completely unrelieved. I mean, he had to check first...he probably knew that I wouldn't believe him if I had done it before. Ha!

But seriously, I hope I can get through it. And I want to do it with the epidural, have I ever explained that here? Obviously there are fads now with this, but that's not why I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it because it's so many major fears all wrapped up into one really, really scary procedure! I'm terrified of needles and I'm terrified of people touching my spine (they want to stick a needle into my spine nononono). I'm also afraid of even having my mouth numbed at the dentist because it takes forever to wear off and I feel like I'm never going to gain feeling back again. Why would I want that done to my whole lower body? And then what if the hospital catches on fire or the roof caves in and I can't walk? HUH? What then?

Okay, so I hear hospitals have wheel chairs and that maybe someone would help me out of there. But that's not the point. The point is nonononono.

Daniel thinks I'm ridiculous. I think I'm saving my own life. (Haha, drama.)

Moving on... I'm sorry. I know I say that a lot lately. And I know that I said my computer was back up and that I was going to be posting more, and yet I still missed...well, a lot. Things have been super crazy lately. I'm having a baby, dude. I have to prepare for him and I don't even know how to do that sometimes.

Daniel moved out of his apartment (problems with the roommates...it's a long story) and is staying with friends, so I'm still in my 10x10 room in my dad's house, where I have to fit not only whatever furniture I want to keep - I mean, the room was already filled to the brim - but also whatever I can stuff in here for the baby. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to do it, and I'm going insane hoping for an apartment soon. Or at least just more space, wherever we end up...sigh.

We're pretty much ready, though, as far as things go. Mentally? I don't know if I'll ever be completely prepared there. This is so new and I'm still really afraid I'm going to screw something up, but hopefully I raise him well enough that he can at least function properly in society. Oh man, I'm terrible.

How are all of you? What am I forgetting to say? Let's get back to chatting like we used to...ask me some questions or something, remind me what I'm forgetting to share. For me this is all old news, and I can't remember whether I've said things on here or just been repeating them so many times in other conversations that I feel like I have, ya know?

Mark's perfect by the way. Perfect heartbeat, growing perfectly. He's going to be gorgeous. :)

HOLY!

I'm sorry. I've missed too many of these! When was the last time I posted, like 29 weeks? Sigh.

I know I've been really bad at posting lately, especially because the days since my baby shower have been pretty chaotic. I've been back and forth and here and there and having my things blow up, and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. My days have been so productive, though - I have a ton of things finished that I've needed to do for months.
And we of course had the shower! We got so much stuff we needed...more than I have the space for but all things we needed, which I appreciate more than I can express. Mark has more than enough clothing to last us the first few months of his life, enough diapers for a good period of time, a few toys, all of the large things we need. We have a car seat, a crib, all of those essentials, plus more extras than I ever could have asked for. I'm super appreciative.

As far as the shower goes, I had a lot more people show up than I expected. I love you all, by the way, and thank you! We had these little sandwiches cut up into take-and-go pieces, chips with dips, and a gorgeous cake that my aunt and uncle made (they bake for events). I should totally include a picture of this, shouldn't I?

Loved it. :)

My mom put together a few games, including one where the guests were given a little pin to wear throughout the party and weren't allowed to say "baby." If they did, you could steal their pin, and the one with the most pins at the end won. There was one where you have to find the little safety pins in a bowl of rice, one where the guests had to answer trivia questions about TV shows (related to children, of course), and...I can't remember if there were more or not.

Each time someone won a game, they were given a little gift basket with body washes and perfumes and whatnot inside.

And lastly we did a diaper raffle - one box of diapers got you one entry into the raffle, and for that we gave away the biggest basket. It was cute and I had a great time.

At the very end of it, my grandma surprised us with the truck. I cried, I'm not even going to lie.

I had an interview about two weeks ago, which they just decided to call me for out of the blue (after applying months ago). I went into a hair salon the night before to get a decent cut for the interview, which I hoped I could sneak in and out of without drawing an extreme amount of attention to my midsection. I was wearing the baggiest shirt in my closet and the first thing the stylist asked? "So when is your due date?" Shit. No hiding that, then.

On further note, things are going great. I'm getting huge. Here, I'll prove it:

I'm enjoying it, though. Daniel is adorable and likes to cuddle and talk and sing to my tummy. Mark, of course, always moves when he hears his voice, no matter how absolutely still he's been beforehand. It's the most amazing thing and I can't get over it. I know they'll have an immediate bond.

No interview for Daniel yet, but we're waiting on the arrival of the papers telling him whether or not there's going to be one! It should be here in the next few days (if not already!). If there's nothing, we're going to look into a few other positions, though probably not with the county (at least not yet...he will eventually get in there, we just need to find the right timing).

Also, we got the truck at the baby shower! (Did I mention that already? I'm almost certain I did...) And Daniel got his license! I'm so proud. He only failed 3 things on a list where he was allowed to miss 15. Another list allowed him to miss 3, but he scored perfectly on that and all other portions. :)

Things have been perfect with the pregnancy. Mark's growing exactly as he should be. They only thing they're saying is that my due date could be moved to November 1st (it's currently October 20th), but they haven't actually moved it yet because it's normal to measure a bit off. I honestly think they 1st sounds about perfect, and of course the boys are still pretty convinced it'll be Halloween. We'll see!

Hope everything's well! I really feel like I wanted to say more, but I'm still not able to get onto my own computer so I don't have the posts with everything else I wanted to share. I just couldn't stand to miss another week!

Take care, everyone, and I'll be back as soon as possible. :)

Source: google.com
via Melinda on Pinterest

It took me until maybe five minutes ago to realize that I completely forgot about yesterday's Come October post. And now I've been running around all day and I'm totally exhausted, so I don't even know what to write.

Wednesday's post was pretty much a good enough update on how I'm feeling about my OB visits (reminder: HORRIBLE), and not much more has happened besides. So like I said, I'm at a loss.

Anyway, I'm 29 weeks as of yesterday, totally anticipating 30 because it just sounds so awesome, and then 31 because I get to say that we're in the single digits (week-wise)! I can't wait for Mark to get here. I'm anxious and stressed and just going totally, absolutely crazy with everything.

We've got so much for him and more coming and I know we're going to have everything we need. But I still feel unprepared...still, I don't know if I'll ever be completely ready. And I can't wait!

Oh, and he discovered my ribs yesterday. I think I'm dying. Owwww.

I'll have more to talk about either tomorrow or the next day. Tomorrow is my baby shower! Daniel has been excited (it's cute!) and I'm excited. I just don't know if I'll have time to post afterward because I'll be cleaning up, and I usually take a nap during the day which I won't get to do, so I don't doubt I'll pass out early. I feel old saying that.

I hope my camera's charged, ah! I need to go check that out.

And I said I was going to post for you guys on either Monday or Tuesday. Forgive me.

Well, I said I had a shitload of news for you, so here it is...

Daniel applied for a job with the county last week. I wasn't aloud to share this news over the internet for various reasons, but mostly because my ex-boyfriend is on a serious mission to get a job through my dad (which I find really weird) and we didn't want the phone calls. As if he would help my ex? Especially if it were to lower the chances for the father of his grandchild? As bitchy as it sounds: get a life, dude. We helped you enough during the two years we dated, even though you were pretty much using us the entire time. I won't get into all of that, though.

Source: whalesandwayfarers.tumblr.com
via Ashton on Pinterest

Anyway, the job listing closed Monday, which means no more applicants at this particular time, and now all we can do is hope beyond all hope that Daniel gets picked for an interview. First they have to go over the applications, score them, rank them, and then notify the top however-many-applicants they're interviewing. My dad says this could take about three weeks, but I'm already going so freaking crazy with anticipation!

If this works out, Daniel will go from making minimum wage approximately 18 hours a week to making a good deal more, full time. Which means we can actually get our own apartment, and since we'll have the truck (on loan from my grandma), everything will just be looking so much better than it has been. We seriously can't live on Daniel's current income, and so if this doesn't work out, we're back to a major job hunt for him.

My dad says that we will definitely get him in with the county eventually, and that he has a damn good chance this round. But everything depends, you know? We don't know how many other people are applying or how qualified they are, but we suspect there won't be much competition. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Oh, and Daniel got his permit about a week ago, which he'd been putting off; he gets discouraged. We have to get his license very soon (by the date of interview, if he gets one), so we're on some major crunch-time. I'm proud of him and I can tell he's proud of himself.

And he's doing so well! I was thoroughly convinced that he would never want to drive with me again after our first time out, but he's been back in the car with me twice since. It's just that I was extremely nervous that first time. And it showed...oh, did it. He was having trouble centering the car, and it's big, so I was freaked out. But I gave him the pointers he needed, and the second time he improved so much. I know he'll pass now, I'm absolutely positive. And I'm excited for him! He's been putting all of this off for so long, and now that he's taking the initiative, I can see how much his spirits have lifted.

On another note, I HATE MY OB. Or, rather, the clinic I've been going to, considering they've changed my OB like four times without asking me or really informing me. I have so many problems with them...and I'm going to rant about them now. I warned you.

- I have not once gotten any test results (not even for a blood test which was supposed to alert me to chances of birth defects!).

- The receptionists are incredibly rude.

- I have had appointments canceled/rescheduled at the very last minute numerous times because apparently they have no idea when their doctors are actually going to be there. Which wouldn't be so annoying if these were surprise days off, emergencies, whatever. NOPE. Just didn't know the doctor was out of town that day? Cool. No, I'm not at all bothered by the fact that I'm driving to the appointment as we speak but you want me there tomorrow. Oh, and you want me to either see a doctor I've never seen before (again) or one that I totally hate? No problem.

- Also, if that's the case, WHY CAN'T I JUST KEEP MY APPOINTMENT DATE? Obviously I'm not seeing my doctor anyway, so why do I want to drive over again tomorrow to see a doctor that's there today?

- I have also walked in for a scheduled appointment, only to be seen as a walk-in. Because they didn't schedule right. Go figure.

- I have called the right department and had the phone ring for an eternity. I have called the wrong one because the right one refused to answer and been put on hold for a half-hour because I called the wrong one.

Source: limadean.tumblr.com via Janette on Pinterest

- This is during business hours. Nothing's happening whatsoever off-hours (even though they tell me to call if I have questions...and ya know, sometimes I do, being pregnant and all). If it's an emergency? Whatever, go to the ER. But we're going to yell at you next time for going without calling us first.

- The doctors love to blow off my questions and concerns like I'm an idiot. Like recently, I told one particular doctors that I can't handle dairy. ANY form of dairy. He said, "Try yogurt." Yogurt is dairy. It makes me sick. "Try cheese." Okay, I can have some cheese, but how much cheese do you seriously think I can handle? It's dairy. I just want to know if I should be taking calcium supplements. "No, eat cheese." Fuck you.

I hate them so much.

But it turns out I can't find another clinic that accepts my insurance, and so I'm stuck with the fuckers. (HUGE sad face.) For now, I did call them and tell them very kindly that I'm tired of being switched and I want to see a particular doctor (who I actually haven't seen before this appointment, but which my dad and his girlfriend were very fond of while she was pregnant with CJ), and so I'm hoping I can get him every time. Even if I have to be rude about the fact that I won't accept less. I'm sure they'll forget the conversation happened, though.

Did I have more to say? I can't remember because I have pregnancy brain up the ass right now...and this feels unfinished. Oh well.

I'm gonna be mushy for a minute, and you totally have to live with  it. (Aww, just kidding. You can overlook this if you really, really want to.)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank those of you who end up here on any given day, whether new to the blog or a regular visitor, and who leave behind kind words to encourage me in living this life. You are all so amazing! I don't know what I would do without you, or without this blog which has connected us.

The list of friends I have in real life has definitely dwindled, but it's thankfully starting to grow back up a little now that my "condition" has become a little more of a permanent thing. Do you know what I mean? I guess they needed it to settle in before they could accept it, I'm not really sure. And while I know that there are a few people who I will not be accepting back into my life, I'm thankful for a few of them. Even if just to talk to on Facebook.

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Heather on Pinterest

Not to mention the fact that everyone and their mother is pregnant all of a sudden. It's insane! There are quite a few girls who I already knew about, as their babies are due in the same month as Mark (and a few are the month before and after). But now a ton are expecting in the beginning of next year as well. I'm excited for all of them, but I'm with some of my other (non-pregnant) friends now: what the hell's in the water around here?

Anyway, you guys have helped me through a period in which I didn't even have that - acquaintances, I mean. People to connect to. A period in which I felt really alone. I made this blog in the hopes of getting my frustrations out when I had no one to really talk to, at least not every time I needed it, and luckily I found support along with it. I truly can't thank you enough.

This has been a hard time and I know there's a lot of difficulty left to face. I know Daniel and I are not always going to feel secure in what we've taken on and I know we're not going to have the best of everything for Mark. But I think we're really doing well for being, ya know, young parents. And I think we're going to be doing a bit better soon, considering Daniel has a ton of motivation for finding a better job now (and I do, too, once I'm done being pregnant and Mark's at least a few months old).

And even when things don't always work out perfectly, I just want him to feel loved. I know that if nothing else, there's going to be plenty of that. And I know that when things get tough, I can come here and rant about it and feel awesome knowing that I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed sometimes, and I can appreciate the joys of having a family even when they drive me crazy.

I know that having a baby three weeks before 21 wasn't my plan and it's not exactly something I would've asked for, but it's an amazing feeling. I'm glad that it's happening, because I don't know when I would've ever felt ready to move on from where I was before. My life definitely wasn't heading in the best direction, and I believe Mark saved me from getting too far off track.

I love that: we're the reason he has a life and he's the reason we're no longer wasting ours.

We'll always be here to save each other.



PS: I have a whole list of news to share about Daniel and about my OB. Good news and bad news and hopeful news! But I have to wait a few more days to say some of it, because we're trying not to jinx anything (and other reasons...which I'll explain more when I share). Anyway, I'll be able to rant and rave about it Monday or Tuesday, so expect that!

I'm officially in the third trimester!

84 days left until I'll (hopefully) have my baby here with me; that fact is both amazing and terrifying. I can't believe I'm going to be trusted with a little life...I really hope I do this right. I hope that I don't eff him up.

Source: weheartit.com
via Laura on Pinterest

I mean, of course not. I'm confident. (Pffft.)

I'm not even going to lie, I kind of really love being pregnant. I hated it at first, of course, because I hated being sick all the time. But now I know that I would absolutely do it all over again. I'd do it even if I was told that it was going to be absolutely the same sickness-wise (although I do hope that it won't).

I will say, though, that some days I feel so absolutely cute, and others I feel terribly disgusting. And sometimes I'll cycle through both (maybe back and forth repeatedly) within the same day, but whatever.

In the end, I really do love it all. And I'm going to love actually holding my baby and getting to feel his gorgeous skin a million times more than just being able to feel him kick through my own. Even though that already feels like the most magical thing in the world. Imagine that - a feeling that will outdo the best feeling I've ever known. Incredible.

I love you, Mark, and I love your daddy, so much that I could never properly explain it.



PS: Had to do my glucose test today. The drink didn't taste as awful as I expected it to, but it gave me a headache. And now I'm ridiculously tired. This might be written pretty horribly because I'm so out of it. I also totally fucked up while driving and almost got us side-swiped because my brain is just done for the day.

Also, Daniel got his permit yesterday. He'd been putting it off because he didn't feel like he was going to pass and he seems to just give up under pressure, but he did so damn well. I'm proud of him. And I took him driving today and he did very well with that, too. Except I was nervous and I think I made him nervous and he might have gotten irritated with me for it. I feel really bad.

Lastly, I've gained 11 pounds. I feel like an elephant, but the doctor kept repeating how good that was. He even turned to Daniel to tell him a few times. It felt a little strange, how hard he was trying to convince us of that.

As of yesterday, there are exactly three months left until Mark is due. And today I'm 27 weeks - hello third trimester! I'm so excited I just can't stand it. I'm ready to get everything moving already, except of course things have slowed down considerably. I mean, the pregnancy really felt like it flew by up until 24 weeks, but since then I feel like it's been forever. I don't exactly know why.

I'm not extremely sad, though; I'm definitely enjoying having Mark in my tummy for the time being. I'm loving the kicks and the punches and the rolls, and I love getting responses whenever I push on my stomach. I love feeling little knees and elbows and fists through my skin whenever he stretches. I love knowing his sleep schedule so that I can almost predict the times that he's going to be moving for me. I just love knowing he's there.

At the beginning I said that this was the first and last time I would ever be pregnant, but I'm a total liar. I know I'm going to miss this, and I know that someday I'll put up with all of the aches and pains and morning sickness, and of course the incredible fears associated with pregnancy, just to feel this magic again.

---

Source: loveology-photos.xanga.com via Melanie on Pinterest

Honestly? When I thought about how big ol' 2011 was going to start and end, this wasn't my ideal situation. I didn't expect to get pregnant two weeks into the year I'd be turning 21 - oh, I didn't - and I didn't plan on having a baby on the way out of it. But now that it's all come to be, I wouldn't trade any of it. I couldn't be happier, and really, I couldn't be any luckier.

I don't regret the timing, either. I mean, I panicked when I found out. I cried. I still have moments every once in a while where I think about the enormous responsibility that I'm going to have and it always leaves me feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I definitely wasn't ready - or at least I wasn't prepared.

But things happen and when they do, everything eventually falls into its place; life made me ready. I've changed a lot in such a short time and I know I still have a lot of adapting to do, but I always will, won't I? No matter the particular situation, things are going to continue changing. Forever. And I just really can't be afraid of that.

I may always wish that I had more before Mark came; in fact, I'm absolutely sure I will. But when it really comes down to it, we have (or at least are going to have) everything we need for him. He has his mommy and daddy, we have a place to live and, soon, a car. We already have a ton of diapers and a tub full of clothes just waiting for him - and more to come. We have a crib and a few toys. We have a family and numerous friends who just cannot wait to meet him. We all have so much love for him.

We're on the right track. And when it really comes down to it, life is good; it's as perfect as perfect can be when you have something this enormous thrust at you unexpectedly (or, come on, maybe even if it had been expected - this is a human life we're talking about. There's only so much you can plan).

I know it's going to be hard, oh do I know it, but I'm ready now.

---

Updated: I actually took a picture today! Of my stomach, I mean. Actually I've taken a few, but I've never shared one here, so I thought I might for once.

27 weeks today. :)

Nothing terribly exciting, but I've been meaning to do so. 91 days until he's due!

Source: oldbrandnew.blogspot.com via Cecilia on Pinterest

Today I wrote a timeline for the baby. It's still in progress as it was thrown together pretty quickly, and I might have missed some things. I wish now that I had recorded more, but I'm not even sure what else to add. I'm new to all of this. Hopefully I get everything that I want to in the coming weeks.

I can't believe how close we're getting - and yet how long we still have to wait! It's not fair to feel this fat and to realize at the same time that you haven't even gotten into the months solely designated for your baby's weight gain. Sigh.

Anyway, I need to remember to backtrack through my blogs and make sure I have all of my milestones from previous posts included. I'm sure I forgot to put a few on my calendar. Hm.

It's like, I don't want to complain about everything...but I just need to.

Daniel can still smoke and drink and see his friends, and I haven't asked him to stop any of that because I honestly just don't feel like he should have to until he wants to. And I know he will, because he loves our baby. I know he will because he's already cut back immensely. I know he will as his bond with Baby Boy grows even stronger, because as much as I want to yell that he should have wanted to stop the day we learned that BB was growing inside of me, he didn't feel the same way I did.

Source: lh4.googleusercontent.com
via Beck on Pinterest

For him, it wasn't real until the first ultrasound, when he actually saw proof of BB's existence. Before that he just knew that I was puking and that I felt an some sort of magic pulsing through me, and living vicariously, well, it's just not the same.

And I don't mean that an immediate change needs to occur. I don't even mean that he should cut everything out completely. What I mean is that it doesn't need to be done around me while I'm pregnant, it doesn't need to be done around our little boy ever, and it doesn't need to be done, generally, in excess. You know?

Everything in my life has changed for this baby. I quit all of my bad habits (which I'm not really complaining about). I quit doing things that aren't really that big of a deal, but which I'm not allowed to do with a baby inside of me - like avoiding doctor's offices at all costs and walking everywhere in 100 degree weather and wondering if there was ever a use for water besides showering (you can drink this stuff??).

And I lost most (nearly all) of my friends because they just don't know how to connect with me anymore, since I get back-aches after two hours of watching them get shitfaced and want to go home, but they have four more games of beer pong lined up and the vodka's not gone. I get it, guys, but I'm currently home to a parasite, and I just can't take it.

I feel very alone lately.

I'm not saying that Daniel isn't there for us - he's a wonderful person, but god am I feeling overwhelmed. It's hard being the woman! He doesn't even have to think about the situation if he doesn't want to (not saying that he doesn't, but you get me?), and at any point in time he can just decide that this wasn't the right time for him and he can walk away.

I can't. I'm the one who this baby is attaching to even though it doesn't even feel real to me sometimes. I'm the one who no longer has any control over her body, at least for the time being - I can't eat what I want or drink what I want or go where I want, and I'm getting fat without even really changing my diet that drastically. I'm the one who has turned into a goddamn apartment building (with free buffet coming soon!). I'm the one who will be expected to (and who just will) always nurture this child because it's what's expected of me, because it's what's right, because it's my human nature.

Damn me. All of that sounds so incredibly selfish.

And it's not to say that I don't want this. I really want this. I already love my baby more than anything and he's not even here yet. I can't wait to feed him and cuddle him and even change him - it just doesn't scare me. I don't expect any of it to be easy, but I don't feel that I can't do any part of it. I know I can.

But sometimes it's just so frustrating thinking about the way everything's changing and the potential future situations that I just want to cry. And sometimes (most the time...) the situation I'm crying over isn't even close to being real.

Like: as if Daniel's going to leave me? He's the one who's always wanted kids. I'm the one who could have done without (until BB was real, at least, now there's no way I could). And he loves me, loves us, so incredibly much that his love alone makes me cry happy tears sometimes, because just knowing that I'm capable of inspiring that kind of feeling in someone after so long of being in shitty relationships is so incredibly overwhelming. My pregnant mind just doesn't know how else to react.

Still though, it will always be my biggest fear. And maybe it's those shitty relationships that has helped put me on constant alert, and maybe I need to teach myself how to get over it. I just don't know how to, especially now that I'm so incredibly vulnerable.

I don't understand myself anymore.

Source: wonderwren.blogspot.com via Erin on Pinterest

PS: I went to go and find a picture on Pinterest that had something to do with stress and pregnancy so that I could include it here. And I found this, and it made me cry - in the best way. I truly can't wait for my little boy; he's already my everything.

PPS? My 100 day countdown just started. How very exciting.