So this awesome woman named Christy gave me the Liebster blog award a few days ago. Of course I've been a terrible-blogger-slash-awesome-student and haven't even had time to write about it! You can find her post here!

YAY!

I am an award noob and had never heard of this one, so I'm currently catching myself up and hoping that I do this right. ;) Stealing images from Christy who has said that they aren't hers--if you know where I can link back to, please let me know!

There it is!

Okay, so here are my 11 facts:

1. I am currently in the process of getting my associates degree. I'll be out of there in May and ready to pursue my bachelors!
2. I'm living with my dad while I finish college (at least this round of it). I hope to be out on my own very soon.
3. I live in a small 10 x 12 room with my son. I am dying of claustrophobia.
4. I only have one baby, and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's named after his grandpa who died of cancer just weeks before I found out I was having a boy, and my best friend who committed suicide our senior year of high school, two very lovely men.
5. I rarely go out anymore. I haven't been out with friends (besides kid-centered birthday parties) since November of last year. It was my birthday.
6. I love photography but don't seem to have enough time to really get into it myself.
7. I have two sisters, a half-brother, a half-sister, two stepbrothers, and two stepsisters. WHOO!
8. My biggest injury ended up getting me stitches in my eyebrow when I was very young--under 5, but I can't remember the exact age. I have never broken any bones.
9. I've started numerous books, but haven't finished any of them. Some that I was very proud of were lost in computer crashes, and I'll never stop being sad about it.
10. I have major depression and general anxiety disorder. I have a crippling fear of embarrassing myself, and it often keeps me from talking on the phone, going out with friends, and doing other people-centered activities. It doesn't matter if it's a big group or a small amount of people. One-on-one situations are just as terrifying to me as speaking to a group.
11. I write about 25 million to-do lists a day, often detailing the same things, because I can't stop thinking them over and over. It's okay to think I'm crazy now. ;)

Here are the questions!

1. Who or what is your inspiration?
   Mark. Always Mark. Everything I do, I do for him. He's the highlight of my life!
2. What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
   My son wakes me up in the morning, so I grab him, change his diaper, and we go to the living room to eat breakfast and play.
3. How do you handle a stressful day?
   I usually just try to take it slow. My days are always the same: hang out with this kid, watch TV, eat, play with toys. I don't do much ever! But I try to relax and not run around as much (I tend to be the chauffeur at my house) and just not do anything that's going to upset me in any way.
4. What book do you recommend all parents read to their children?
   That's a toughie. Mark doesn't seem to be taking to any book specifically, so I just read him whatever I feel like...ha! Of course, the classics like Dr. Seuss. Every kid needs that in their life.
5. When the kids go to bed what do you do?
   I blog, do homework, try to do as much relaxing as possible before I fall asleep. It's the only time I have that things are actually quiet!
6. What is one thing about your past you wish you could change?
   I absolutely wish I would have taken college more seriously before I had a baby. I didn't want to be there. I only was because my dad said I had to be...of course I realize now that he wanted me to do better than him, but in my mind I had been at school my whole life and didn't want to do it anymore. I was stubborn.
7. If you had a million dollars, what would you buy?
   Oh jees...a house and a car, definitely. And probably lots and lots of things for Mark. There are a million things that I need and want, but every time I go to a store I drop it all and buy him something!
8. Why did you start blogging?
   I started years ago with no audience just because I needed an outlet. Now it's the same, but I do it for the awesome community that comes with it. Plus I have no friends anymore. ;)
9. Are you going to follow all the award nominees?
   I'm definitely going to try to get over to all of them. I've been bad lately, so bad!
10. What is one thing you hope your children remember about you?
    That I was loving, and fun, and that I did everything for him.
11. How would you define your character?
    I try to be the best person I can be. I think that even if I'm not always the best friend, it's because I devote everything I can to my son. Nothing else really matters after that. If there's extra time and resources, then I'll try my best to use them on others.

Now my nominees. I couldn't find some of your follower counts, so I apologize if you're over the 200 limit! Great blogs no matter what.

1. Once Upon A Time Again
2. Music Teaching and Parenting
3. Second Chances Girl
4. Our Butterfly Haus
5. Not Your Ordinary Psychic Mom
6. Kid Crossing Barefoot
7. A Day in the Life
8. That Gives Me An Idea
9. Woman Scribbles
10. Dancin Moma
11. Dreaming with Midnite

Lastly, my questions for you. Whoo!

1. What are you doing when you're the happiest?
2. Where is the one place that you're dying to go?
3. What got you to start blogging?
4. What does your blog name mean?
5. Who is your favorite person in the world, and why?
6. What's the perfect Saturday to you?
7. What is your favorite book and why?
8. What do you want your kids (present/future) to remember about you?
9. What is the best memory you have of your own parents (or whoever raised you)?
10. What's something that you never get tired of?
11. What's your weirdest habit?

Aaand...done. Your turn! Send me back a link and a comment so I can check yours out. :)

I'm gonna be mushy for a minute, and you totally have to live with  it. (Aww, just kidding. You can overlook this if you really, really want to.)

Anyway, I just wanted to thank those of you who end up here on any given day, whether new to the blog or a regular visitor, and who leave behind kind words to encourage me in living this life. You are all so amazing! I don't know what I would do without you, or without this blog which has connected us.

The list of friends I have in real life has definitely dwindled, but it's thankfully starting to grow back up a little now that my "condition" has become a little more of a permanent thing. Do you know what I mean? I guess they needed it to settle in before they could accept it, I'm not really sure. And while I know that there are a few people who I will not be accepting back into my life, I'm thankful for a few of them. Even if just to talk to on Facebook.

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Heather on Pinterest

Not to mention the fact that everyone and their mother is pregnant all of a sudden. It's insane! There are quite a few girls who I already knew about, as their babies are due in the same month as Mark (and a few are the month before and after). But now a ton are expecting in the beginning of next year as well. I'm excited for all of them, but I'm with some of my other (non-pregnant) friends now: what the hell's in the water around here?

Anyway, you guys have helped me through a period in which I didn't even have that - acquaintances, I mean. People to connect to. A period in which I felt really alone. I made this blog in the hopes of getting my frustrations out when I had no one to really talk to, at least not every time I needed it, and luckily I found support along with it. I truly can't thank you enough.

This has been a hard time and I know there's a lot of difficulty left to face. I know Daniel and I are not always going to feel secure in what we've taken on and I know we're not going to have the best of everything for Mark. But I think we're really doing well for being, ya know, young parents. And I think we're going to be doing a bit better soon, considering Daniel has a ton of motivation for finding a better job now (and I do, too, once I'm done being pregnant and Mark's at least a few months old).

And even when things don't always work out perfectly, I just want him to feel loved. I know that if nothing else, there's going to be plenty of that. And I know that when things get tough, I can come here and rant about it and feel awesome knowing that I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed sometimes, and I can appreciate the joys of having a family even when they drive me crazy.

I know that having a baby three weeks before 21 wasn't my plan and it's not exactly something I would've asked for, but it's an amazing feeling. I'm glad that it's happening, because I don't know when I would've ever felt ready to move on from where I was before. My life definitely wasn't heading in the best direction, and I believe Mark saved me from getting too far off track.

I love that: we're the reason he has a life and he's the reason we're no longer wasting ours.

We'll always be here to save each other.



PS: I have a whole list of news to share about Daniel and about my OB. Good news and bad news and hopeful news! But I have to wait a few more days to say some of it, because we're trying not to jinx anything (and other reasons...which I'll explain more when I share). Anyway, I'll be able to rant and rave about it Monday or Tuesday, so expect that!

Yes, I did change my blog again. I know, I know, but you forgive me.

I did it all by myself this time! I even made the header and the buttons (although they're just words, nothing fancy). So that kind of rocks out loud. And I'll try to not get bored with it too quickly - no promises, though.


PS: I think I actually got all of the color matching right, too! Check it out, check it out, check it out - my header, post dividers, and links - they all match!  I totally did that with no help. Alone. By me-self.

I'm so darn proud of me.

---

Mathew: Taylor, are you going to have a baby?

Taylor: Yes, I am.

Mathew: On Halloween?

Taylor: Well, he's due a few days before. But it's possible.

Mathew: Mom says it will be, though. Ask mom.

Taylor: Mom says that because you can't always predict when babies come. And Mark might come later than he's supposed to.

Mathew: It's going to be on Halloween. Trust me.


I swear, this boy has been cracking me up.

Source: oldbrandnew.blogspot.com via Cecilia on Pinterest

Today I wrote a timeline for the baby. It's still in progress as it was thrown together pretty quickly, and I might have missed some things. I wish now that I had recorded more, but I'm not even sure what else to add. I'm new to all of this. Hopefully I get everything that I want to in the coming weeks.

I can't believe how close we're getting - and yet how long we still have to wait! It's not fair to feel this fat and to realize at the same time that you haven't even gotten into the months solely designated for your baby's weight gain. Sigh.

Anyway, I need to remember to backtrack through my blogs and make sure I have all of my milestones from previous posts included. I'm sure I forgot to put a few on my calendar. Hm.

You know what’s disappointing? Not being able to eat what you want. I can’t have dairy without puking for the rest of the day, and I don’t even have morning sickness anymore! And of course I’ve been craving cereal just because I can’t have real milk, and the taste doesn’t satisfy with any substitutions. It’s disappointing, to say the least.

Also, I hate pregnancy dreams. Why is it that all of a sudden I’m having some off-the-wall or terrifying dream on a nightly basis? Before this, odd dreams only cycled when I was terribly sick, but now I wake up constantly with my fears played out, new ones established, or with odd memories that I just never needed indexed. It’s odd.

Last night’s was more frustrating than anything: I dreamed I was walking across town with the twins (they weren’t mine – my dad’s girlfriend has twin boys and I for some reason conjured them up as infants) and was carrying a car seat in each hand. Of course there wasn’t a stroller, and I was constantly dropping things. My hands were too full to retrieve the things that were falling, and the children needed to be fed at the same time. Then one of the car seats broke so that I had to physically hold one boy in my arms and juggle the others’ seat at the same time. I woke up before I got to where I was going, still frustrated over the fact that everything had just fallen out of my bag.

I think a lot of my dreams come to be because of the fact that I’m so freaking nervous. Although I’m only halfway to holding this baby, the closer and more excited we get, the more scared I am inside. I hope I’m not a terrible mother. Daniel reassures me constantly, and I know that I have a general knowledge of what I’m supposed to do – I won’t be one of those mothers who has never held a child until their delivery – but I’ve never had one constantly in my presence, who is my complete responsibility. I feel completely unprepared. But I know I can do this. And I hope I can do it without making any huge mistakes.

Does other peoples’ behavior during your pregnancy confuse you? Half of the people I used to see on a regular basis are no longer in my life, and then a ton of people that I hadn’t spoken to in years all of a sudden want to talk to me on a daily basis. Not that I mind too much – it’s nice to have people who are excited with you when you’re expecting your life to change so drastically, and to know who your true friends are before you’re responsible for another life (and who you’re bringing into it).

But then there’s the touching; I swear, since I first got the news people have wanted to touch my stomach, as if the minute it happened there were magic in there. I mean…no, that’s not what I mean. Of course something that I have so much love for is going to feel like magic to me.

What I mean is: what were they expecting to feel at six weeks? I understand that we all get excited about babies, but I’m sorry, there are times that I just don’t want you rubbing all over my midsection. We’re not lovers. It wouldn’t be acceptable if I weren’t pregnant, so I don’t know why it should be now that I am – especially when the baby isn’t even moving. I have stand there all awkwardly while they try to feel for something that they aren’t even capable of feeling, because it’s too early or the baby’s sleeping or whatever. It’s weird. At least wait for me to say, “The baby’s kicking!” and invite you, I beg.

I can’t wait until we find out what we’re having. I can’t wait to call my baby a he or a she, to decide on a name that I can refer to it as, instead of just saying ‘the baby’ every ten seconds. I don’t want to call my child an ‘it’ so I avoid it as much as possible, but ‘the baby’ gets to me a mouthful if you have to say it three times in one sentence. Not to mention the fact that it sounds so…impersonal. Knowing will make it easier to connect with my child, too. I’ll finally be able to start collecting things for him/her that aren’t ‘gender neutral’ and to better picture what I’ve signed myself up for.

This little one kicks constantly now, especially when I’m trying to sleep. Sometimes they’re strong enough to be a little uncomfortable – not painful but to where it freaks me out a little. That’s mostly because I have some strange fears, though, like the fact that I don’t like people touching my spine because I picture it snapping, and so the kicking makes me feel like I’m being bruised and etc. from the inside. It’s just weird. And now you know that I’m weird. Okay.

I’m totally excited that I’ve established new followers and received comments in the last few days. If you’re one of them, you’re awesome, and it’s very likely I’ve followed you back – but if I didn’t please tell me, because I meant to.

And for those of you who are just visiting, comment and tell me that you were here as well, and whether or not you’re following. I’ll make sure to pay you a visit in return. I'm a huge blog nerd and I'd love to check yours out.