I'm a few days late, as always. I've been stressed...I have a lot to do, and I keep starting it and not finishing, only doing a little bit at a time. I stop because I hurt and start again because I'm stressed, and I repeat the same cycle over and over and over every day or two. I guess the blog just hasn't really been on my mind because preparing for Mark has taken over everything else.

Anyway, I'm 35 weeks as of about 3 days ago and that's scary. I haven't finished cleaning my room out...I haven't set the crib up (now that it's here and not at the apartment)...I haven't put Mark's clothes in drawers... I haven't done anything! Well, at least not as far as actually having things ready for him. Right now I'm just cleaning out my things to make room for his so that I can do the rest of that. I've got everything but it's still all in storage boxes and unwashed and needing to be folded. Sigh. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Totally huge 35 week me

Baha! Ain't that the truth. Tons and tons and tons of work ahead of me for the rest of my life. But hey, I'm up for the challenge. :)

I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I feel huge and uncomfortable and unattractive. And I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball...I swear that in the last few days he's gotten heavier, that he's kicking me harder than ever. It hurts. I can't wait to get him out of me...because I want to be back to (semi-) normal, but also because I want to cuddle his brains out.

Ha, no, not really. That sounds violent. But I do really want to snuggle him. It's going to be great.

It still doesn't feel real, and now that I'm starting to see a number of friends deliver their babies and I'm getting to smile over their pictures, I keep commenting and realizing, "Whoa, I'm going to have one of those." But it still never really sinks in until I see the next picture, make the next comment, and then it's only a reality for a few minutes. I keep losing it again...I don't know what I'm going to feel like when I have all of his things set up in my room. Or when I go into labor. Or when I'm in the hospital. Or when he's actually sleeping in that crib, in my room, and I can actually look at him.

I'm so excited and so nervous and so scared.

Right now kind of sucks. I can't stay with Daniel and he can't stay here with me. It makes things hard, and I honestly do get really sad and lonely (especially considering he's pretty much the only person I leave the house for anymore...sigh). I can't stand it...he's my baby's dad and I can't even cuddle with him at night or coax him into giving me a back rub or anything. Haha.

But really, I just want to spend time with him. It'd be really nice to be able to talk to him when I'm feeling scared or to be hugged when I'm crying. It'd be nice just to feel safe next to him at night. It's hurting me thinking about everything we're missing out on...like our last moments alone for, what, forever? The last few chances to have real conversations and to hold each other without having to jump up to change or feed or bathe Mark.

And what about when the baby's coming and I can't get a hold of him? He doesn't have his own phone right now, so I guess I'll have to go beat down their door, have to go to the hospital alone and hope someone gets the news back to him if he's not home. Then of course when I'm all sore and whatnot back at home after the hospital he won't be around to help take care of me and to spend the first few nights with his baby.

It's thoughts like these that are really depressing me. How can we be a family if we can't even act like one? If we're separated the entire time? I don't want things to be like this anymore.

Today I'm 34 weeks and, what, 3 days pregnant? I have 39 days left until the due date. I can remember reaching the 100 day mark and being so excited. And then getting into the 60's and that exciting me, and I remember talking about the fact that I couldn't wait to cut that in half, to get into the 30's.

Welp, yeah, now I'm terrified. I told this to my OB the other day and all he said was, "It's your first baby? Well, honestly? I think you're going to find it really boring." You know, all that 'first labors are longer' and 'you'll find the pain isn't as bad as you expect it to be.' Thing is, I don't know if I should feel comforted or completely unrelieved. I mean, he had to check first...he probably knew that I wouldn't believe him if I had done it before. Ha!

But seriously, I hope I can get through it. And I want to do it with the epidural, have I ever explained that here? Obviously there are fads now with this, but that's not why I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it because it's so many major fears all wrapped up into one really, really scary procedure! I'm terrified of needles and I'm terrified of people touching my spine (they want to stick a needle into my spine nononono). I'm also afraid of even having my mouth numbed at the dentist because it takes forever to wear off and I feel like I'm never going to gain feeling back again. Why would I want that done to my whole lower body? And then what if the hospital catches on fire or the roof caves in and I can't walk? HUH? What then?

Okay, so I hear hospitals have wheel chairs and that maybe someone would help me out of there. But that's not the point. The point is nonononono.

Daniel thinks I'm ridiculous. I think I'm saving my own life. (Haha, drama.)

Moving on... I'm sorry. I know I say that a lot lately. And I know that I said my computer was back up and that I was going to be posting more, and yet I still missed...well, a lot. Things have been super crazy lately. I'm having a baby, dude. I have to prepare for him and I don't even know how to do that sometimes.

Daniel moved out of his apartment (problems with the roommates...it's a long story) and is staying with friends, so I'm still in my 10x10 room in my dad's house, where I have to fit not only whatever furniture I want to keep - I mean, the room was already filled to the brim - but also whatever I can stuff in here for the baby. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to do it, and I'm going insane hoping for an apartment soon. Or at least just more space, wherever we end up...sigh.

We're pretty much ready, though, as far as things go. Mentally? I don't know if I'll ever be completely prepared there. This is so new and I'm still really afraid I'm going to screw something up, but hopefully I raise him well enough that he can at least function properly in society. Oh man, I'm terrible.

How are all of you? What am I forgetting to say? Let's get back to chatting like we used to...ask me some questions or something, remind me what I'm forgetting to share. For me this is all old news, and I can't remember whether I've said things on here or just been repeating them so many times in other conversations that I feel like I have, ya know?

Mark's perfect by the way. Perfect heartbeat, growing perfectly. He's going to be gorgeous. :)

As of yesterday, there are exactly three months left until Mark is due. And today I'm 27 weeks - hello third trimester! I'm so excited I just can't stand it. I'm ready to get everything moving already, except of course things have slowed down considerably. I mean, the pregnancy really felt like it flew by up until 24 weeks, but since then I feel like it's been forever. I don't exactly know why.

I'm not extremely sad, though; I'm definitely enjoying having Mark in my tummy for the time being. I'm loving the kicks and the punches and the rolls, and I love getting responses whenever I push on my stomach. I love feeling little knees and elbows and fists through my skin whenever he stretches. I love knowing his sleep schedule so that I can almost predict the times that he's going to be moving for me. I just love knowing he's there.

At the beginning I said that this was the first and last time I would ever be pregnant, but I'm a total liar. I know I'm going to miss this, and I know that someday I'll put up with all of the aches and pains and morning sickness, and of course the incredible fears associated with pregnancy, just to feel this magic again.

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Source: loveology-photos.xanga.com via Melanie on Pinterest

Honestly? When I thought about how big ol' 2011 was going to start and end, this wasn't my ideal situation. I didn't expect to get pregnant two weeks into the year I'd be turning 21 - oh, I didn't - and I didn't plan on having a baby on the way out of it. But now that it's all come to be, I wouldn't trade any of it. I couldn't be happier, and really, I couldn't be any luckier.

I don't regret the timing, either. I mean, I panicked when I found out. I cried. I still have moments every once in a while where I think about the enormous responsibility that I'm going to have and it always leaves me feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I definitely wasn't ready - or at least I wasn't prepared.

But things happen and when they do, everything eventually falls into its place; life made me ready. I've changed a lot in such a short time and I know I still have a lot of adapting to do, but I always will, won't I? No matter the particular situation, things are going to continue changing. Forever. And I just really can't be afraid of that.

I may always wish that I had more before Mark came; in fact, I'm absolutely sure I will. But when it really comes down to it, we have (or at least are going to have) everything we need for him. He has his mommy and daddy, we have a place to live and, soon, a car. We already have a ton of diapers and a tub full of clothes just waiting for him - and more to come. We have a crib and a few toys. We have a family and numerous friends who just cannot wait to meet him. We all have so much love for him.

We're on the right track. And when it really comes down to it, life is good; it's as perfect as perfect can be when you have something this enormous thrust at you unexpectedly (or, come on, maybe even if it had been expected - this is a human life we're talking about. There's only so much you can plan).

I know it's going to be hard, oh do I know it, but I'm ready now.

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Updated: I actually took a picture today! Of my stomach, I mean. Actually I've taken a few, but I've never shared one here, so I thought I might for once.

27 weeks today. :)

Nothing terribly exciting, but I've been meaning to do so. 91 days until he's due!

So I'm 25 weeks pregnant today - whoo! What's funny is that the pregnancy was flying up until I had my ultrasound, but the last week seems to have lasted a year. It's weird that it has, too, because I've been so busy, and the weeks that wouldn't slow down were filled with nothing but a computer screen, Netflix, and potato chips.

You would think me having something to do would have sped things up. Hm. It's probably just because I can actually plan things and I have an image in my head of what life is going to be like with Baby Boy, so now life has to torture me. That's probably it.

Now that we know - at least for certain rather than speculation - we have a lot more planning that we're able to do, and the things we have for the baby are starting to collect nicely. My shower is (almost solidly) scheduled for about a month from now, and so I'm currently working on getting invitations in order (considering that's all I'm actually allowed to do). I'm also in the process of tying up the last few things required of me by my medical, getting WIC, and getting a truck!

Okay, so it's not actually mine, it's my grandmother's (it belonged to my grandpa when he was alive, so it feels special), and it's going to be "on loan" until I can buy something for myself. But this means I can finally move in with Daniel! I've been going crazy trying to figure out how I could move in with no car or how we could make living on separate ends of town work with a baby (which is possible but sucky), so I'm ecstatic that (if everything works out) we're finally going to be able to do this without the worry of me walking to appointments all big-fat-pregnant in 100 degree weather. Lifesaver!

There's a lot of stress being lifted off my shoulder and (even though I know there's going to be new stress every day - jees, we're having a baby), things are starting to feel decently settled. I'm hoping everything keeps going well and that we can continue on to make even better situations for ourselves. Not having a car was a huge crutch for us - it has made it hard for Daniel to go about getting his license, which has made it extremely difficult to find him a better job, which makes it impossible for us to move to our own apartment in a better neighborhood and difficult to prepare for the baby. So this could (and hopefully will) change pretty much everything for us.

Onto other things: I got this bracelet in the mail a few days ago (the ones that reads 'Mommy To Be'); it's pink on the front and blue on the back, two-tone because I ordered it before we found out the sex of the baby. Considering we know now, I went back to the site and ordered an all-blue one and I'm hoping it comes soon. They're so cute! Free from babiesonline.com if you're interested. I don't have the exact link, though, so you'll have to Google it or something.

We do have a name picked out, by the way. It's actually been decided for a long time; we never really planned anything for a girl but had almost everything decided for a boy. We just had such a strong feeling that he was a he. Anyway, it's got a whole whopper of a story behind it, so I'll save it for another post.

Sorry I haven't been around much! Hoping to fix that from here on out, but we'll see. I still have a lot to do in the next few days.

How are all of you?

Tomorrow is Daniel's first Father's Day. At least in that way that everyone's going to say it to him even though he doesn't actually have a baby yet.

He says that he doesn't feel it, and I kind of feel like that's my fault. I'm afraid I don't spend enough time with him.

There are a lot of reasons we don't live together yet: I don't have a car, I don't have a job, and living with roommates just makes things difficult. They don't exactly understand that circumstances are different now, and that I need things to be different because of that. So while I want to be there - badly - I also want to wait until we can get a place of our own, where I can do what I need to do without having to fight for it. This is something we're hoping to work toward by the beginning of next year.

Honestly though, I'll probably just move into the apartment before then, because I really want him to be around his baby. Without having to travel all the way across town. And without having a set amount of hours that he can do so. We'll see how everything goes...I'm really torn.

Source: google.com via Taylor on Pinterest

At our last appointment, my doctor stressed the fact that I need to drink plenty of water because the number one reason he's seen for early contractions is dehydration. He assigned Daniel to be my 'water monitor'. Now Daniel keeps reminding me that he holds the title while handing me a bottle of water or texting me to remind me that I'm probably thirsty. I find it to be incredibly cute.

He's going to be a great dad. And with how happy he is about it, I'm sure he feels it more than he thinks he does.

I just called my dad at work and told him to ask for the 30th off so that he can go to the ultrasound with us, and he immediately said he could get that day off and sounded like the happiest person in the world. It made me feel all kinds of awesome.

Mine rocks!
Source: etsy.com 
via Ashley on Pinterest

And now I've just texted my mom and asked her if she was going, and she said, "Yes yes yes." So I'm pretty sure they're excited, but I could be wrong.

"I'll be there with my happy pants on," says mom.

My mom's coming down in the beginning of next week and staying until the weekend. Then she's going to pick up Boyfriend, my sister and me and we're planning to go and see my Nana in Riverside. Her memory and speech are apparently really getting bad and they say she's suffering from something like mini-strokes inside her brain. The weekend is going to be pretty emotional, I'm sure. I'm already emotional at the drop of a pin, so fuck.

I think I'm going to stay at the apartment tonight, but I can't really be sure. I was supposed to stay there last night as well, so we'll see how everything goes. As it is, I have a ton of errands to run, and I don't even know why I'm still sitting around here. I need to start sleeping at night so that I don't waste my days.

I'm sorry this post sounds so choppy. I'm sort of in a hurry, but I wanted to post this because they're all things that are on my mind. I might come back and edit it later, but I can't promise anything.

While I'm gone, head over to my blog roll tab and make sure to link yourselves. Enjoy the rest of your Friday!