Sometimes I feel like becoming a mother has completely overridden my sense of self; I've lost my identity as a separate person, and now I'm just "mom." I'm the person who gets someone's food and changes their diapers, who can't go anywhere alone for two seconds (including the bathroom!), and who deals with tantrums 62 hours a day. I'm usually covered in someone else's half-eaten food or bodily fluids, and I often fight a little person to just sit still for a while and relax (isn't that the best part of the day?). There are definitely negatives to being a parent.

Then I remember that I have this whole new identity: the woman who someone completely relies on, who he looks to for comfort when he's unsure of a situation, who he loves wholeheartedly. We're best friends. I get to watch him develop his own personality, enjoy his excitement as he experiences things for the first time and falls in love with them. I get to guide him through life, to teach him how to be who he is, and the whole time he's teaching me.

I don't do much outside of being a mom, honestly. I don't have many friends. I don't go anywhere aside from the store (which I don't do without him) and school (which isn't often, due to online classes mixed in). I don't go out on weekends or have girls' nights out, or spend my days downtown just because I can. There are days that I wish I could, but then he starts telling me stories or giving me kisses and I know that, even if given the choice, I would deny it most days. I'm exactly where I want to be.

There are always things we want to change, but for me these are things like furthering my education, moving into our own home, owning things that would make our lives more convenient. For me, these things are taking my son to Disneyland and the zoo and live shows to meet his favorite characters, and giving him the things he wants just to see the smile on his face.

I've completely lost my sense of who I was before I had a baby, but I've gained this sense of who I am now: someone's mom. I have a reason to do the things I do. He's my reason to be.

Today Daniel had a barbecue with some friends, and obviously Mark and I were there. We got covered in food and dirt and bubbles (the "stack-able" kind that stay around much longer than they should), and it so much fun. And messy. Damn, was it messy.

Crappy dinosaur-phone picture of bubbles that you can't see.
All the spots on the ground, those are them.

Anyway, Mark decided to stop taking naps a few weeks ago, and therefore he sleeps pretty early now. Around 8 o'clock, I pointed out that it was about his usual bedtime and that I should probably get him home, especially after a day of playing in the heat. He was starting to get to that "I hate everything" stage that only tired kids have perfected and no mom wants to deal with that even a minute longer than they can help, am I right?

I decided to wipe Mark down to the best of my ability in case he fell asleep in the car, which he often does. Because of his eczema, we have to use gentle soaps to ensure that his skin will not be all scaly the next day, and I had forgotten to bring it with us or to leave some there. I told Daniel that was I going to put Mark in his pajamas for the ride home; "If he falls asleep in the car, then at least I feel like he's decently clean and comfortable," I told him, "and if he doesn't, he'll get a bath as soon as we get there."

He looked at me and said, "That's a great idea, babe. You've got this mom thing figured out." And he said it so lovingly that I couldn't help but melt.

I don't, though. I don't know if anyone ever has this mom thing figured out. We learn as we go and every single moment is a surprise even if we planned it down to a "T"--our kids don't follow plans. And then someday there will be second babies and we'll have to plan all over again because human beings just insist on being individuals.

I really like that I make it seem that way, though. I'm happy to be a mom, even if an imperfect one. Maybe the joy that comes from really loving something (or someone) is enough.

So it feels like I may be on the verge of getting sick - sadface. Such a miserable thing when you're pregnant and not allowed to pop aspirin and cold medicine every ten minutes (just kidding...every fifteen). But I promised to write about this and I probably need to before I sit around to the point that I'm like, "Wait, what did we even do?"

Yeah, that happens to me. A lot.

So here's the basis of it: my mom came into town Thursday, and Friday after Daniel got off work we headed to Barstow (where mom lives). There wasn't really much to the day...just a four hour car ride, and then we watched Juno as we fell asleep. I forgot how much that movie rocks, especially with all the Kimya Dawson hanging around on the soundtrack. So awesome.

Image via Wikipedia

Saturday we slept in and basically hung around the house until around 3 in the afternoon. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Barstow, but if you haven't, I'm going to assume your life is a lot more interesting than mine. The town is awful. Think of that Disney movie Cars come to life - it's probably exactly like that.

Anyway, once we were all up and dressed, Mom took us to a local secondhand store where we looked at baby clothes (so cute!) and then we went to Food 4 Less to pick up (basically) junk food. We headed back to the house, barbecued, and then packed up the van and took the family to the drive-in. I loved it! My dad used to take my sisters and I almost monthly, so it's been pretty lame since ours shut down. Of course Barstow would still have one - just to prove to me that they can one-up us in some way.

Oh, we watched Mr. Popper's Penguins (sp?) and Super 8. They were both pretty alright.

On Sunday, we woke up at about 7-something and headed to Chino around 9-something (where we had even more barbecue). My grandma's husband has this thing where he'll sit a pile of food right in front of you so that it stares you down and makes you feel guilty about the fact that it's not being eaten, so there was that.

And we had watermelon! Which I've been craving so badly (for months), so it was amazing. And there was strawberry shortcake involved, so food-wise I was a pretty happy camper. Nana sat and talked with me for a while and seemed to enjoy Boyfriend, and I told her that I want to use her middle name for my baby's if it turns out to be a girl (two more days until I know, two more, two!) and she told me the history behind it. It was wonderful.

The drive between Barstow and Chino is an hour and a half, so Sunday consisted of probably three hours in the car. Monday we headed back to town, four more hours. The entire weekend was about eleven total. By the time we got home, I had never been happier to walk.

And yeah, that's probably that. I'm not sure if I have anything more to say...hm.

Oh, of course I do: my little brother is a lunatic. And because of him, I now have a Grenade parody permanently stuck in  my head.

 

The biggest problem might be that Brother sings it better than the original. So now I can't even completely enjoy it alone at night when it's stuck on repeat somewhere deep in my brain. Damn.

I just called my dad at work and told him to ask for the 30th off so that he can go to the ultrasound with us, and he immediately said he could get that day off and sounded like the happiest person in the world. It made me feel all kinds of awesome.

Mine rocks!
Source: etsy.com 
via Ashley on Pinterest

And now I've just texted my mom and asked her if she was going, and she said, "Yes yes yes." So I'm pretty sure they're excited, but I could be wrong.

"I'll be there with my happy pants on," says mom.

My mom's coming down in the beginning of next week and staying until the weekend. Then she's going to pick up Boyfriend, my sister and me and we're planning to go and see my Nana in Riverside. Her memory and speech are apparently really getting bad and they say she's suffering from something like mini-strokes inside her brain. The weekend is going to be pretty emotional, I'm sure. I'm already emotional at the drop of a pin, so fuck.

I think I'm going to stay at the apartment tonight, but I can't really be sure. I was supposed to stay there last night as well, so we'll see how everything goes. As it is, I have a ton of errands to run, and I don't even know why I'm still sitting around here. I need to start sleeping at night so that I don't waste my days.

I'm sorry this post sounds so choppy. I'm sort of in a hurry, but I wanted to post this because they're all things that are on my mind. I might come back and edit it later, but I can't promise anything.

While I'm gone, head over to my blog roll tab and make sure to link yourselves. Enjoy the rest of your Friday!