I'm "Mom" Now

Sometimes I feel like becoming a mother has completely overridden my sense of self; I've lost my identity as a separate person, and now I'm just "mom." I'm the person who gets someone's food and changes their diapers, who can't go anywhere alone for two seconds (including the bathroom!), and who deals with tantrums 62 hours a day. I'm usually covered in someone else's half-eaten food or bodily fluids, and I often fight a little person to just sit still for a while and relax (isn't that the best part of the day?). There are definitely negatives to being a parent.

Then I remember that I have this whole new identity: the woman who someone completely relies on, who he looks to for comfort when he's unsure of a situation, who he loves wholeheartedly. We're best friends. I get to watch him develop his own personality, enjoy his excitement as he experiences things for the first time and falls in love with them. I get to guide him through life, to teach him how to be who he is, and the whole time he's teaching me.

I don't do much outside of being a mom, honestly. I don't have many friends. I don't go anywhere aside from the store (which I don't do without him) and school (which isn't often, due to online classes mixed in). I don't go out on weekends or have girls' nights out, or spend my days downtown just because I can. There are days that I wish I could, but then he starts telling me stories or giving me kisses and I know that, even if given the choice, I would deny it most days. I'm exactly where I want to be.

There are always things we want to change, but for me these are things like furthering my education, moving into our own home, owning things that would make our lives more convenient. For me, these things are taking my son to Disneyland and the zoo and live shows to meet his favorite characters, and giving him the things he wants just to see the smile on his face.

I've completely lost my sense of who I was before I had a baby, but I've gained this sense of who I am now: someone's mom. I have a reason to do the things I do. He's my reason to be.