I've been promising a post for a long time, and I'm sorry that I haven't come through. Things have been chaotic, which wasn't unexpected with a newborn. I feel like I should be coming here to brag about this adorable little boy on a regular basis, but I'm sure I do that enough on Facebook anyway.
So let's talk about something real.
I've been battling a severe depression in the few months since I had my baby. I feel like nothing is going right. I don't have a job, which doesn't mean that Mark isn't getting the things he needs, only that I'm not helping to provide those things for him. I don't have a home specifically for my family, which means that Daniel and I still don't live together, and that's killing me every day. It's hard raising a baby almost completely alone; it's even harder knowing that your partner wants nothing more than to help you but can't, because he isn't allowed to stay with you. I resent that fact.
No one should have to fight depression and raise a baby at the same time, but so many women do. I'm sorry to everyone who is suffering along with me, because it's one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I'm glad that it's not hindering my ability to care of my child, because I don't know what I would do if it did. I already feel so guilty knowing that I'm sad at times that I should be happy for him, or that I blame myself so harshly for these little things that no one would be able to help, not even myself.
It's hard not being able to talk about how you feel because everyone thinks it's a cry for attention. Which, maybe it is; maybe I do need attention once in a while, because no one should have to suffer through these kinds of feelings alone. But I feel like speaking them out loud makes me weak, totally pathetic, and I feel like I'm supposed to keep them inside to be a good mom. I feel like I have to keep looking strong even though I've never felt so weak in my entire life.
As far as I can tell it's not overtaking my relationship with Mark, at least not in a way that's damaging, but it's definitely overtaking the rest of my life. I feel like I can't interact with people like I used to, although that may just be the fact that I am such a different person that I was a year ago, even just a few months ago.
I love this little boy more than anything on the planet, and I'm so thankful that his dad is still here for both of us. We've had our problems, again mostly thanks to the depression, but we've battled through them together, and, at least at the present time, we're going stronger than we ever have. This is helping, and I'm more thankful to have Daniel in my life than I will ever be able to explain to him.
More positives? I'm working on a job that I hope I get, because this means so much more for us in the near future. A home, a better car, whatever our baby wants instead of just what he needs. Breastfeeding is going amazingly well. My son is beautiful. And Daniel has been telling me the most amazing things that probably don't need to be said, but which lift me up in ways that I've really been needing. Like reminders that this is the longest and best relationship he's ever had, that I'm beautiful, that he's happier than he's ever been.
I needed to know.
PS: Okay, now to 'brag' a little bit. :)
|12/7/11, this (almost) my favorite face. We call it the turtle because of the way he stretches his neck out. :)|
|12/8/11, first shoes|
|12/21/11, big yawn|
|12/24/11, two months|
|1/10/12, with daddy|
|1/10/12, all of us.|
This only includes a few pictures from December and January. Trust me, I have about a million more. He was born on the 24th of October so I will try putting together a post with pictures from birth until now. It's amazing how much he's grown already!
I hope you all haven't given up on this blog, and I'm sorry that I probably did there for a while. I really need to update things around here. This isn't the best post and it's pretty depressing but it's something I needed to get out, and now it's something that's actually here. I probably need somewhere to get these thoughts out of my head again, so I'm going to try to do this regularly.